Billys Website

The Police

// June 6th, 2008 // No Comments » // Rants

Ok before we start, are there any fans of The Police watching this?

By the way, I don’t mean Stings old band

No, I am of course talking about her majesty’s finest……bunch of wankers.

Because guess what? I’m not a fan of the Police,

Although the Police do seem to be quite big fans of me, aye they do

Because every time I get in my car, they take my fucking picture.

They’re worse than the paparazzi

Its unreal, flash flash flash as I am going down the street

And then a couple of days later they send me the photos,

And ask for an autograph

Oh aye, they’re huge fans of Nob alright.

Actually they don’t so much ask me for an autograph, as blackmail me.

They say if I don’t sign and give them £30 to help support my own fan club

Then they threaten to stalk me

If I still don’t pay then they’re going to kidnap me

And put me under lock and key for 24 hours a day

Until their fascination wears off

Which they explain could take years

Hey, I’m not saying I’m not touched

But if you ask me, that’s taking fanaticism a bit too far.

I think taking my picture without asking is the height of rudeness

But that argument doesn’t hold in the courts

Cause apparently I don’t make the laws.

No, THEY do. Bastards

So I’ve decided to fight a one-man revolution

Aye, I’ve stopped wearing a seatbelt.

There’s no feeling like it

Driving past a Police Van and looking the policeman right in the eye.

I get a wee lump in my trousers every time.

Oh, go on the revolution, I’m the man, I’m the man.

See, I’ve got a polarity responder gene in me.

Whenever I am told to do something, I just do the exact opposite. I am a bit like a politician in that sense.

It’s a bit of a problem that has been with me all my life, this rebel gene

For instance, I can’t wait for them to change these drink driving laws.

Because I cannae get in a car without having 6 Guinness and a couple of whiskeys

And my driving is pretty Hellish.

I can sense one of these days I am going to have a crash

But it’s Ok,

I only drive at nighttime, when there are no kids on street.

Only adults. And we all know they’re expendable.

So that’s alright then that’s alright.

And I hate the methods they have for testing for drink drivers.

Apparently, if you can walk in a straight line for 10 yards that proves you’re sober

Or if you can touch your nose with your hand, that proves you’re sober

Or if you can stand on one leg and sing the birdie song

That proves your sober. Its Very scientific.

I got pulled over by the police the other day.

This policeman came up behind me

He was like “Stop Stop Stop”

“You’re driving is hellish, get out the car, get out the car”

“right pal I want you to touch your nose with your hand to prove to me that you’ve not been drink driving”

I said “I’m not touching my nose with my hand for you, to prove that I’m sober,

what are you going to for me to prove that you are a policeman?”

Aye, aye, and so he went ‘FUCKO’.

Battered me with his truncheon “Ok Ok, You win, you win.

You’re a policeman alright. You’ve proved you’re a policeman.”

Jesus Christ

And talking of the police, do you know that every top policeman

Is actually a high-ranking freemason?

For instance see that Chief Inspector that gives the news conferences when they are doing a big murder enquiry.

Do you know he had to roll his sleeve up

and shag 6 goats to get that job…..

allegedly. That gives a whole new twist on police brutality

Maybe a better name would be police Bestiality.

And obviously everyone knows that George Bush, Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and all the other members of the Power Elite Gang

All of them are 33rd Degree Freemasons.

If the lowly police officer is shagging goats, then what the hell are they getting up to?

Oh aye, that’s right, they’re raping children

Allegedly anyway allegedly.

Well according to David Icke anyway, so I guess that means it must be true.

Cause old Icke he is in the web isn’t he, he’s one of them. He is getting used by these guys.

What he is doing is, he is telling everybody the truth.

But they get it to come from a fucking madman.

So all the real meat and potatoes stuff becomes totally outlandish so none of us believe any of it

It’s the ultimate Double Bluff.

Icke tells us about George Orwell and the double speak

But he is doing it himself except he is not double speaking he is telling the truth

Oh its all completely nuts, its completely ridiculous

But I feel a bit sorry for the Police.

Cause it is not easy police the streets of Britain these days.

Or anywhere for that matter.

Cause there is more and more crime, especially with the youth, its all getting a bit scary

I’m thinking about helping the Police

I am thinking about getting a CCTV camera attached to my head

And a microchip in my brain as well

A wee microchip, David Icke has talked about that one as well

A microchip attached to the camera

So any time I even think about doing anything slightly naughty

An arm comes out the camera and sprays me with mace.

Cause as well as stopping crime

that would help to blind me to the new big brother society that is being introduced before our very eyes

It would be a great help to them

For instance recently in Glasgow

They spent over 2 million pounds on a high tech surveillance station.

And put cameras up everywhere all over the city centre

And their excuse for doing this was because a couple of neds

Attacked a couple of grannies at a bus shelter

So now we’ve all got to suffer and be spied on. I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t we educate the Neds with that money.

Is that not better, instead of turning Britain into a paranoid culture

Lets educate the neds, Give them some hope in their lives,

Make good on their life skills that they have gained already

Give them a community centre so they can play table tennis and chill out a bit

?n the future these guys may turn out to be Ned plastic Surgeons.

Eh, you never know, you never know “Oi Nurse Senga,

Gonnae pass the scalpel

Ah, thanks very much, SLASH SLASH SLASH

Let me get right in about this face

Who would have thought all that slashing would come in this handy

That was a brilliant pioneer scheme by the labour government

Goan yerself Gordon Brown

And another kind of policemen I don’t like are sleeping policeman

That’s right I don’t even like policemen that are made of concrete

I wouldn’t mind so much if they were real policemen.

Cause it’s a pain in the arse getting slowed down everywhere but if they were real policeman “hey, I will just take that detour down that road with all the real policemen on”

There we go, there goes another policemans skull

Wee, what a perfectly good way to slow down my driving

I don’t mind that at all

And recently there was a big hoo ha when all the Rangers fans, all the Neds

Went down to Manchester for the Uefa cup final

And then the cctv footage was released of all the neds chasing the policemen down the street

Who can blame them, they are just getting revenge

If I was caught up in that hulluballoo and a policeman fell in front of me

Fuck it, I would give him a good welly as well

Cause I am mad too ladies and gentleman I am a bit of a nutter

Oh, I don’t know, its always Us against them isn’t it?

Why cant we all just be one big happy Family

So that is my thoughts on the old Police

I hope you maybe got a little chuckle

Or I at least held your attention

Take care and I will see you on the next one, Bye Bye

Xmas

// December 22nd, 2007 // No Comments » // Rants

I don’t know about you, but I get depressed and stressed every year at Xmas time. I think it’s because we are under so much pressure to enjoy ourselves. You know, it’s like being inside a fucking comedy club.

Xmas is not the same as it used to be is it? It’s far too commercialised. I wouldn’t mind so much if I was loaded.

But now it’s all about buying expensive gifts for each other that we can’t afford and spoiling the children with stereos and televisions that are better than the ones we have down the stairs for ourselves!

Every year at Xmas I come out in a rash of spots. They say spots are related to stress, so maybe it’s the stress of worrying how much money my wife will spend on presents for my family that makes me look like the singing detective. I’d do the shopping myself, but I’m too lazy and my wife enjoys it anyway, so who am I to deny her that pleasure.

I’m not being sexist by the way; it’s just that I’m a man. It comes naturally to me. I think it’s been that way ever since the big drought came to the grasslands of Africa and we stopped eating magic mushrooms and settled into agriculture and back into the dominant male culture lifestyle. Don’t blame me for generations of conditioning.

Anyway, last year I decided to quit my job and so I didn’t have any money at all for my wife to buy presents but you’ve got to keep up appearances haven’t you and get yourself into even more debt to buy presents, well that’s my wife’s philosophy anyway, so I was especially stressed.
About 3 days before Xmas I got a fucking huge red spot on the end of my nose. No prizes for guessing what nickname my loving family dreamed up for me when I showed up on Xmas day.
"Hey, here comes Rudolf, Rudolf where’s your sleigh ? Has Santa given you the day off etc"
"Yeah, yeah, very original, Ha, bloody Ha"
It was really bad though; you could have cut the end of my nose off and hung it on the tree as a decoration, that’s how bad it was.

And then I made it worse. Because I was skint after Xmas time, I bought some incredibly cheap and nasty spot lotion. Little did I know that my skin would be so sensitive to toxic waste. It caused a bloody nuclear reaction all over my face. I had a face like CherBillyyl.

It’s so annoying when you buy something and it doesn’t do what it’s supposed to. Like Ladies, when you buy Red hair dye for instance and it turns your hair bright Orange. Or guys, when you buy a brand new Red Porche and you still can’t get a bird. Or even worse when you do get a bird but she refuses to blow you so you buy a flavored condom and she still doesn’t suck you off. That’s tragic, innit?

But then I made my spots worse still. After suffering over Xmas time, I didn’t want spots all over my face for New Year. So when a potential monster appeared on my cheekbone I tried squeezing it before it was ready to hatch. Big mistake. It was fucking agony.

So I stuck a drawing pin deep into it. That just made it angry. It sort of came alive at that point, like there was some kind of alien in there, like that alien, from that film…..alien. Then 3 or 4 baby aliens came out in support of it or something.

And thus once again, I wished I had listened to my mum’s advice. She used to say, "Leave your spot’s alone or you’ll end up with a colony of evil space aliens on your face". Do you think Mum’s instinctively know stuff that the rest of the world should start listening to?

I’m 34 now and I still get spots. When are they going to stop using my face as a breeding ground, that’s what I want to know. But never mind, that’s life eh? You’ve just got to take the zits and get on with it.

Pizza Faced Guy

But there is always someone worse off than yourself, isn’t there. I don’t want to laugh at them or have a go at them in any way, but have you ever seen those ‘pizza faced’ guys. It looks like someone has stapled red painted bubble wrap on their face when they were sleeping. They must wake up every day, look in the mirror, and curse the day they were born.

One day I was standing next to one of those ‘pizza faced’ guys in the local pub. And when you get to know someone, you just see them for who they are, Tam or George or whoever, you forget that they’re maybe sensitive to something. Cause I had a spot on my chin that day, like ONE spot. And I said to ‘pizza face’,
"Fuck’s sake, look at the spot on my chin, it’s a fucking nightmare"
It was only when ‘pizza face’ let out a kind of grunt and went back to drinking his pint, did I realize what I’d said. And at that point what do you do? Do you just be honest with him and say,
"Look man, I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking, I realize you’ve got more spots than the Sahara has got grains of sand, and that my feeble little spot is not even worth a mention, what say we shoot some pool?"
Or do you say "Fuck, my God, is that the time, catcha later big man, take it easy eh?"
I opted for the second option.

Good Old Days

But I can remember the good old days, you know, when Xmas was Xmas. When all you got was an apple and an orange, 4 bits of wood, some nails and a hammer and told to go and make your toys. Those were the days. Actually, I’m lying that’s what my mum and dad used to tell me. I still don’t know if they were pulling my leg or not.

But I do think Xmas has become a wee bit too commercial. I like the family getting together side of Xmas but I feel as though the Xmas spirit is kind of grudged now.

I’ll tell you what Xmas has come to in the street where I live. For the whole of December all my neighbours hide behind their curtains, waiting for me to leave the house…..so they can run across the street and deliver my fucking Xmas Card!

I’d come back in, find the card and say "Where the hell did this come from? I only went round to the back garden to empty the bin"

I open up the card and it says "Merry Xmas, from Tom & Mary"
I’m like "Tom and Mary, who the fuck’s Tom and Mary? Could they be a bit more specific?"
And the wife says "You know, Tom and Mary, from across the street. Mr & Mrs Watchamacallthem"
"Oh Mr & Mrs Watchamacallthem. Fuck. I suppose we’re now obliged to send them a card now"
There’s nothing I hate more than being obliged to do something. So I write in thier card ‘To Mr and Mrs Watchamacallthem, Merry Xmas….blah, blah, blah’ Oh, like I really mean it.

Just to piss them off I go and hand them their card in person. They really don’t know how to handle that.
"Oh hello. Eh, aren’t you Mr Whatshisface?"
"Yep, that’s me."
Then they ask, "Oh, eh, so what are you getting your wife for Xmas this year?"
People are so fucking nosey aren’t they?
So I say "Oh I’m getting her the same as I got her last year and the year before that and the year before that"
"What’s that?"
"Absolutely fuck all"
You can see their brain short-circuiting when you tell them that one.
"What? Fuck all? It cannae be, it just cannae be"
And they fall down on the ground with sparks flying out their head. It’s like the fucking Stepford Wives. It doesn’t do my reputation in the street much good, I can tell you.

Every year my neighbours all compete with each other to see who can put up the fanciest hi-tech Xmas decorations inside and outside their house. It’s not for their children you understand, they all left home years ago. This is sheer middle class competitiveness.

Driving up to my house at Xmas time, it’s like fucking Blackpool Illuminations. Until you get to my house, and it’s like ‘FUCK YOU, I don’t want to play’ There’s a big black hole where there should be some Neon lighting and Carol singers.

I guess that’s how I got my street nicknames.. Mr Scrooge or Stingy Bastard.

I try and defend myself by saying "Look just because we are told that some geezer called Jesus used to do a bit of hands on healing over 2000 years ago, because of that I’ve got to trek round over congested shops every December, for the rest of my natural born life, that will be fucking right. Anyway, there is too much paper that gets wasted on wrapping paper and Xmas cards, think of the rainforests"

People usually let you off the hook, if you pull the environmental card out. Well, society dictates that they have to really don’t they, that’s why I use it. Tossers.

Present for my Wife?

About 7 or eight months ago, I bought a table football table for the house. A guy at work was selling one and by sheer coincidence I was actually looking for one at the time. So I was delighted. My wife wasn’t too impressed with it though.

She was into that Feng Shui crap at the time and she’d just rearranged all the furniture in the living room and then I turn up with this table football table. This thing was like Hampden Park in the middle of our living room. My wife hated it. She says "It’s like a big useless piece of male energy"
I’m like "Look, I can’t afford a Ferrari so I have to make do with this for my cock extension"
She claimed "It ruins the ambience of the room"
Actually she was right, but after the huge argument we had it turned into a point of principle.

So anyway a couple of weeks just before Xmas I met the guy that sold me it as I was walking up the high street. He asked me how I was enjoying the table football. I said, "Oh, it’s brilliant. I beat my wife 10 games to nil every night. She’s still to score a goal in 8 months; it’s done wonders for my self-esteem. The wife’s not doing to good though, although on the plus side her psychiatrist says she’s improving."

He then asked me what I was getting my wife for Xmas. I told him nothing. I don’t believe in Xmas.
He said "I bet your wife cooks your dinner every day and cleans the house"
I said "Yeah"
He started making me feel guilty. He said, "You’re bang out of order and you should be ashamed of yourself."
I said, "Look, I don’t need society, to dictate to me a special day of the year that I should buy my wife a present, I buy her presents all year round. Every day is Xmas day in my house."
He said "Oh aye, what was the last present you bought her then?"
I said " Well, er, um….it was the Table football table"

Best Xmas Card

But I wasn’t always such a cynic. Let me tell you about the best Xmas card I ever got. Not long after I got married and my wife had moved in to my old flat with me, a young couple moved in below us.

I think they liked their Ecstasy tablets. But I think they messed up their brain a bit though, because their short term memory is not what it should have been, they kept forgetting each other’s name. All day long all you heard was "Who’s in the house, Who, who, who’s in the house" I was shouting down from above "You’re in the fucking house, it’s Andy and Sarah. Remember, at least that’s what you told me, you could have just made that up to cover your embarrassment at not knowing each other’s names right enough."

So anyway, as it was close to Xmas, I thought I’d send them a nice card to welcome them to the street. I thought I’d have a laugh so I wrote on the card "To the Happy Ravers, Merry Xmas" Then I waited until they left the flat, and ran downstairs and posted it.

So nothing was said until a year later, when we got a card back from them. Guess what it said? It said "Merry Xmas, to the Happy Shaggers"

Well, I did say we were newly weds and our bed was particularly squeaky. We had these wooden slat bed which are bloody uncomfortable and they make a bloody racket. It must have sounded as if we were shagging all night long but most of the time we were probably just turning over in our sleep.

Fartymaniacs

If I were to send a card now with a wee joke in it, to my neighbours in Pleasantville, it would probably read "Merry Xmas, To our silent neighbours from Heaven"
And they would probably send one to us, something like,
"To the loudest, noisiest, most consistent, farters in the universe, put a cork in it for fuck’s sake, we’re trying to get some sleep in here, oh, by the way, Merry Xmas"
Well that’s what 10 years of married bliss does for you. My wife and I have turned into the Fartymaniacs.

We’ve invented a new form of communication for the Navy. It’s called Fart Code. They haven’t quite taken it on board yet, as there is still some teething problems with it.

For instance, when I used to come home from nightshift, and my wife was still in bed, she would greet me like ‘FART, FART’, that mean’s ‘Hi dear, is that you home’
And I’d reply ‘FART’ that means, ‘What do you think?’
And then she’d say ‘FART, FART, FART’ that’s ‘And how was work?’
And I’d reply ‘FART’ that means ‘shite, as usual’
And then she’d say ‘FART, FART, FART, FART, FART’, but you see, that was just a fart, that didn’t mean anything.
Although if you were to translate that into fart code, it would mean,
‘Emergency, emergency, oxygen supplies are at an all time low, please put on your air mask immediately", so you see how the Navy is not too keen on it just yet.

Miserable Shoppers

But why do we buy each other present’s that nobody needs or even wants at Xmas time, just because everyone else is doing it? When you see someone with lots of Xmas presents, you say,
"Is that you doing the Xmas shopping then?"
"Yeah, it’s a nightmare isn’t it?"
"Well why the fuck do you do it then?"
They say, "Oh it’s good for the children"
"Oh really. It’s good for the kids that you are up to your eyeballs in debt and take it out on them by screaming at them constantly. It’s good for the kids that they get everything they ever want just handed to them on a plate without even having to wash one dish. It’s good for the kids to believe in Santa Claus, only to find out one day that it’s all been a big hoax. The whole adult world was lying to them for the first 14 years of their life. The kids ends up never fully trusting anyone ever again. That’s good for the kids is it?"
"Oh you’re just a cynical Scrooge, that’s all you are"
Ye cannae win.

We spend a fortune on these kids, buying them all the latest gadgets and brand names just so they don’t get a hard time from everyone else’s spoilt little brat, for the crime of being different….perish the thought.

Take mobile phones for example, why do we buy 11 year old’s mobile phones. Cause when the government brings the curfew for kids in, they’re not going to be very mobile are they? They say that keeping your kids indoors after dark is going to make the world a safer place to live. Aye right. They’re just going to rebel if you do that.

"Right Timothy, come on inside now, that’s the streetlights on, that’s the sign that you have to come in."
"But Mum, it’s only 4 o’clock, school’s just finished and it’s the first day we’ve not had rain all year, can I not stay out and use my mobile phone just once."
"No you can’t, I’m in enough trouble with you as it is young man, after you reported your own mother to the police for spanking your bum, after you sold our TV and Video for Heroin money, so get inside now, you can use your mobile in the house"
"I’ll tell you what mum, you can stick your mobile and your super nintendo and your portable DVD player up your arse. I’m staying outside and me and my friends are going to play a new game called UN Peacekeepers. We’re going on a peacekeeping mission to the town centre and we’ll stab anyone who tries to fuck with us. Including you, so fuck off."

If aliens were watching us go through the Xmas ritual every year it would be very interesting wouldn’t it? They could make documentaries about us like David Attenborough does about monkeys.

"Yes, these strange creatures, shop all year round, but December is a special month. They put up flashing coloured lights around the shops and this sets off the humans into a shopping frenzy. They just can’t collect enough shit to pass amongst each other. Shit which is no good to anyone.

Then on December 25th they exchange the shit and pull apart bits of paper which go bang and then throw that particularly useless shitty plastic toy straight into the bin and tell each other some of the worst jokes in the universes history. After stuffing themselves full to the brim at dinner they then collapse on the sofa and pass out for 4 hours while their body tries to digest a months worth of food.

And then they start to shop again the very next day. They take all the shit they recieved from uncool friends and family members back to the shop to exchange it with all the shit that was too shit to buy in the first place but because it’s slightly cheaper it turns it into bargain shit, which is good shit and you can get more lots more shit for your money so they fill their life and house to the max with it. This meaningless ritual is known as Xmas. Oh and there was something about some fictional character called Jesus as well."

I love watching people doing their Xmas shopping. I cannae get enough of it. I think it’s absolutely superb. You see everyone getting totally stressed to the max. "Oh what are we going to buy yer Uncle Harry? And we’ve still not got anything for yer Auntie Susan. And God know’s what yer distant 3rd cousin, twice removed Charlie the Chimpanzee down at the local zoo wants this year. The zoo hasn’t gave us his Xmas wish list yet"

Take it easy, chill out for God’s sake. There’s no need to panic. The answer to Xmas shopping is obvious innit? Just get everyone the exact opposite of what they ask for.

For instance, before I stopped buying presents for my wife she was always going on about Diamonds, right. It was ‘Diamonds this and diamonds that’, so instead I got her a photograph of Kenneth Williams. It was in a frame, I’m not a cheapskate.

She was like "Eh, what’s this?"
I was like "It’s a framed photo of Kenneth Williams, what does it look like?
She said, "Who the hell is Kenneth Williams?"
I played dumb, "I thought you liked Kenneth Williams"
"Whatever gave you that impression" she said.
I said, "Well, you do a good impersonation of him with that big nose of yours – always asking me where I’ve been every night when I stumble in the door at 2.30 am every morning."

So she’s told me not to bother getting her a present ever again. See, it works a treat every time. If everyone did that we wouldn’t have to go through the same bloody charade every year, and we could all get on with enjoying our lives. Mind you, my wife’s still not happy on Xmas day, when I don’t buy her a fucking present.

See, ye just cannae win.

War On Terrorism

// October 13th, 2007 // No Comments » // Rants

I’d like to talk about this war on terrorism because to me everywhere I go, be it work, shopping or 5 a sides with my mates nobody talks about it at all.

Oh sure the media talks about it constantly but we never do, don’t you find that a bit odd? I feel like I’m living inside an episode of Fawlty Towers. It’s like "Don’t mention the war….don’t mention the war….I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it alright."

Anti-Terrorism Laws

Another reason why I feel it’s important to talk about it now is because we still can. Before all these new anti-terrorism laws are introduced by David Blunkett or whoever, that are designed to stop people talking about or even questioning this War On Terrorism.

Soon, in about 6 months to a year if the government has their way, a comedians act for instance, will have changed completely. He’ll just be able to walk on stage and say "Hello…er…um…er….Cheerio"

And all the politically correct crowd will be like "Cheerio? Cheerio? Can he say that? That’s quite negative isn’t it. That implies leaving someone. That may cause a flutter of pain or bad feeling. Better just stick to Hello. In fact, keep it short, just 2 letters, just say Hi. Oops better not, that implies getting high, taking drugs, having a good time and all that. Heaven forbid.

Fuck it, we’ll just have to ban larynxes. Have them ripped out at birth. That’ll solve the problem. Oh and we better give the working class kids a lobotomy as well. You know television works pretty well but just to be on the safe side. Just to stop these terrorists you understand."

Political Correctness

Everything is so politically correct these days isn’t it? They’re trying to restrict what you can say in public, so much so that it’s difficult to write jokes without offending anybody. We are all pandering to minority groups.

A fucking idiot it Berkshire phones up to complain about something on a repeat of The Good Life and some law comes out which bans anyone from wanking over Felicity Kendal. I mean, that’s our birthright as British citizens. What’s next? Banning Cliff Richard records? I mean, I find Cliff Richard offensive but I don’t go around forming Anti-Cliff groups do I?

It’s getting totally ridiculous, I mean, you can’t even tell Englishman, Irishman, Scottishman jokes anymore, they’re deemed racist. You can’t tell Chicken, Pig, Horse jokes anymore, that’s animalist. You can’t tell table, chair, fireplace jokes anymore, that’s deemed fucking furniturist. And it’s all because of that David Blunkett and his fucking anti-terrorism legislation….fucking blind English bastard that he is.

I’ve got a good Englishman, Irishman, Scottishman joke,

There was this Englishman, Irishman, Scottishman…..and they all got on really, really well. No problems at all really.

You’ve not heard that one before have you?

Blind Bastard Wanker

But that David Blunkett’s got to be the biggest wanker on the face of the planet hasn’t he? That’s how he can’t see a bloody thing. The man had 20/20 vision before he got into politics.

I wouldn’t mind so much about him making up all these anti-terrorism laws, if he could actually see what’s going on in the world. You know, if he could actually hit a golf ball one out of every 3 swings, but he can’t. He’s on the first tee all night, swinging away.

His politician friends have all finished their round, got pished in the 19th and are away to the local stripclub to score with a hooker, but he’s still there, swinging away.

"Bastards. Bastards. Tomorrow morning first thing, I’m going to make up some right fucked up laws to make up for this humiliation. What can I do that’s totally out of order. I know, I’ll suggest bringing out ID Cards with fingerprints, DNA samples and an Iris scan on them. Let’s see how much more gullible the general public is. Fucking idiots."

People will be like "Oh, see Blunkett’s introducing ID cards now. Oh well, what can you do? I hope it doesn’t cost too much. What’s that? It’ll cost me my life savings and my pension plan. Oh well, what can you do? If it helps combat terrorism"

A year later it will be proven that ID cards don’t work and that we all need a microchip inserted in us, after Blunkett walked into one wall too many.

"Oh well, what can you do? I’ve got nothing to hide. You’re either with that blind English wanker Blunkett or you’re with the terrorists. I wonder how much my microchip will cost me? What’s that? It’ll cost me any last vestiges of freedom or individual thought I possess. Oh well, what can you do?"

Idiot Bush

So what is the deal with this war on Terrorism? It just doesn’t make sense does it? There is something-dodgy going on in the world of politics, if you ask me. I mean one look at the American President George W Bush is enough to tell anybody that.

It should be a lot harder to slag off the American President, he’s supposed to be one of the brightest men in the world, never mind America, but it’s lights on nobody home with that guy, isn’t it. He makes Ronald Reagan look like fucking Einstein. And that’s Ronald Reagan in his current condition I’m talking about.

It’s G.W Bush’s secretary I feel sorry for. Everyday she has to go through the same ritual. He turns up at the White House Office and starts pulling his office door.

"No George, it’s push to open your office door"
"I am pushing"
"No George, you’re pulling. That’s 3 years you’ve been in office now George, I thought you’d have got the hang of it by now"
"Look, shut your face…..or I’ll bomb you"

Personally, I think he needs to go back to primary school to learn how to read his scripts properly. "Hello, my fellow Americans, you are the people greatest on the Earth of the Face"

Nanny Goat

Can you remember what Bush was like just after Sept 11th? I’ll tell you, he looked like an orphan let loose in a toy shop for the first time. He couldn’t wait to start bombing somebody.

He reminded me of that Kenny Everett character, you know, the one with the big shoulder pads. "Whoever did this, we’re gonna get them. We’re gonna get them. And when we get them, we’ll round them up, put them in a field and bomb the bastards.

Oh and all the people who harbour terrorists, they’re getting it is well. The wee lady who owns the corner shop where Osama buys his milk, she’s fucking getting it. The local dentist. He’s fucking getting it. These people don’t deserve good teeth.

But we’re a compassionate people so we’ll drop some food on them as well as bombs, just to make sure they don’t die on an empty stomach."

But they don’t even give them that luxury do they? For the food parcels were exactly the same shape and colour as the cluster bombs they dropped in the same field. It was like some fucking Japanese game show.

The Afghanistan adults had to get all their kids together, "Right kids, today we’re going to play a game. You’re going to play pass the parcel to mummy and daddy and if any of you are still alive at the end, the one who collects the most food is the winner. And if it’s a tiebreak then the one with the most body parts left will decide it."

Can you remember Bush’s reaction when he got told about the 2nd plane hitting the tower. He briefly turned sombre was the quote. Two planes have been flown into the Twin Towers and he briefly turns sombre!!

Then he goes back to listening to the girls story of her per goat for 20 minutes. I’ll repeat that, just in case it didn’t sink in. He continued listening to the story about the pet goat for 20 fucking minutes!!! Obviously with him being such a fucking Nanny Goat himself he didn’t want to miss the end.

We were told in the news that the reason why he didn’t leave the classroom was because he didn’t want to scare the children!!

I think the children would be a lot more scared when they got home and realised the President would rather listen to the pet goat story than deal with the biggest terrorist attack in History.

ZZ Top Fan Club

You see, going on the evidence provided so far, or rather the evidence NOT provided so far, I don’t think Osama Bin Laden was the terrorist mastermind behind the WTC atrocities.

I think he was probably in a cave somewhere practising his ZZ Top riffs on the guitar. ‘Gimme all your lovin, all your hugs and kisses too.’

Then his mate runs in "Hey Osama, put the V shaped guitar down for a minute." "What is it?"
"Well, in the past hour two planes have hit the World Trade Centre Towers and already CNN and all the other major news outlets throughout the world are blaming you for it. The second plane only hit 10 minutes ago and suddenly you’re number one in the new Anti-Christ list.

Osama was like "What? Fuck this, I’m out of here. And I’m leaving in THAT direction." Then he does a ZZ Top style point and starts singing "I’ve got legs, I know how to use them"

And then he runs straight to the helicopter that the CIA has sent for him, to take him to his secret hideaway in Florida, or somewhere like that. Where he can pass the days getting blowjobs from the 13 year old mind controlled slaves that his old mate George Bush senior has just finished anally raping…..allegedly.

Other Terrorist Organisations

Why don’t we go after the leaders of all Terrorist organisations? Why don’t we blow the Pope up? He’s the leader of the biggest terrorist organisation in history. At the millennium the Pope said sorry on behalf of the church for the 2000 years of rape and pillaging carried out by the Catholic Church in the name of Christianity.

That’s like the leader of the Klu Klux Klan saying ‘Look, I’m sorry for all the trouble we’ve caused over the years, but don’t worry we’re alright now’. There’s not much difference between the church and the Klu Klux Klan when you think about it. They both wear the same type of hats for a start.

Evidence?

See I might be prepared to believe it was indeed Osama Bin Laden that organised the attacks, but I would like to see some evidence first. Call me old fashioned.

But when you ask for hard evidence that would stand up in a court of law, Tony Blair says "Aye aye, don’t worry, don’t worry. Me and Georgie, we’ve seen the evidence and oh, you can trust us, Osama’s is guilty as charged, you can trust us, honest."
"Well let’s see the evidence then?"
"I’m sorry, we’d love to show you, we really would, but I’m afraid that’s classified information."

Classified! Fucking Classified! That must be the greatest excuse ever. I’ll have to remember that next time I’m in court of law (probably for writing this sketch.)

Sorry, you honour, man with the wig type geezer. I could give you the evidence to prove I’m innocent. (Because it’s guilty until proven innocent these days isn’t it.) I could give you the evidence to prove my innocence but I’m afraid that’s classified. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one. I could tell you but if I did tell you, I’d have to kill you. Sorry about that." Somehow, I don’t think they’d let me away with that.

Then they say they can’t tell us because it’s in the interests of National Security" Who’s National Security? It’s certainly not the local Afghan people’s National Security, seeing as how they got seven shades of shit blown out them. And it’s not the Iraqian people’s National Security, seeing as how they got seven shades of shit blown out them.

Oh, it must be our National Security. Oh that’s all right then; I can sleep a lot easier at night now knowing that innocent people are getting blown up in the interests of our National Security.

But hold on a minute. Hasn’t all this War on Terrorism actually increased the likelihood of a terrorist attack in Britain? It’s all very fucking confusing.

So what evidence have they given us to prove Osama and his men were guilty? They must have provided some evidence, surely. Nearly everyone believes it was Osama and his crazy pals.

Well, one day after September the 11th, September the 12th, they conveniently found a car in the airport car park with a Koran and a Do It Yourself how to fly a plane manual, written in Arabic. So there you go, conclusive evidence indeed that proves it was indeed the ZZ Top fan club network.

They’ve just pulled off the most complicated, coordinated terrorist attack in history, then left a Koran and how to fly a plane manual on the back seat of a car in the airport carpark. Makes fucking perfect sense.

Why do Muslim Terrorists always have a copy of the Koran by the way? You don’t see IRA terrorists running around with copies of the Bible do you?
"What’s this bit about Thou Shalt Not Kill"
"Ah, don’t worry about that, that’s just a typo. It should say Thou Shalt Kill…..anyone who believes in a different version of our all powerful all-loving God. And anyway we’re getting paid for this job"
"Oh we’re getting paid for it?"
"How much?"
"A tenner a kneecap"
"Oh well, that’s alright then." BANG. BANG. BANG.

The best quote I heard after the event was from a pilot who allegedly trained one of the Hi-jackers how to fly the plane. He said ‘I thought that hijacker guy was a bit of a strange character. Because he kept turning up for training every day wearing a balaclava. I thought that was a bit strange.

Then, he wasn’t too interested in learning how to takeoff the plane and he wasn’t too interested in learning how to land the plane, he only wanted to know how to fly it into the nearest tall building.

I thought it was strange because most of the other trainees thought that landing the plane safely was quite an important part of the exercise. Not this guy, he’s got the head down in the back seat. I thought that was a bit strange."

Homer Simpson Clones Work for FBI

I think the FBI need a good kick up the arse don’t you? After all 4 commercial airliners went of course at the same time. They did nothing. One hit the World Trade Centre followed by another 30 minutes later. They did nothing. Another hit the fucking Pentagon (allegedly) and they still did nothing. And yet, when Payne Stewart the golfer’s plane went of course there were 2 scrambled jets beside it fucking rapido style.

What were the FBI doing on September 11th? Were they all like Homer Simpson when the alarm is going off telling him the Nuclear Power plant is about to blow up and take the whole of Springfield with him. They were like, ‘Pesky Alarms, pesky alarms’, they hit the silence button then go back to sleep.

And now these are the guys that are going to solve the big mystery. I think fucking Donald Duck would have a better chance myself.

Anti-Muslim Propaganda

Have you noticed on the news that there is also a hellava lot of Anti-Muslim propaganda fired at us? I mean, the news can’t say the word Muslim, without putting the words radical fundamentalist extremist in front of it.

But it can have a powerful effect on our minds whether we are aware that it’s propaganda or not. For instance, my wife is Turkish and she’s a Muslim, although not a practising one, but ever since these atrocities happened her pussy just hasn’t tasted the same. Every time I’m down there, I’m like ‘mm I wonder if this is one of those Kamikaze pussies. This could be a trap. I wonder if she has a bomb up there.’ I can’t concentrate on the job in hand. That’s the power of television propaganda for you.’

And it’s the way they report the news to make it look like we’re the good guys and the Muslims are all baddy’s.

Can you remember when America wanted to use Pakistan as a base to bomb Afghanistan and some of the Pakistani people were protesting. Well, the news that night, almost verbatim, was like this….. "Today in Pakistan, a minority of 15,000 radical fundamentalist extremist Muslim psychopaths…..had the Gaul, they had the fucking audacity to protest against the war."

Then, I love this bit, "Fortunately…..fortunately the authorities used the police and army to get the situation under control by using live ammunition and tear gas, killing at least 3 of them" Yeah, that was quite fortunate that. I’m sure their families would agree.

Then they’ve got the cheek to say, "And you know, strangely enough there is some Anti-American feeling here today in Pakistan!! They don’t seem to be to keen to let their land be used for bombing innocent civilians." I mean, what did the Americans expect, a fucking ticker tape parade?

I was talking to a guy at work about the Pakistani protests. I said I was quite impressed, at least they’ve got the balls to protest every day. And do you know what my colleague said? He said "Aye but those people have got less to lose than us" I was like "Aye they’ve only got their lives to lose we’ve got our fucking mobile phones and DVD’s."

Stir Up Both Sides

I think the powers that be deliberately stir up both sides of the religious divide or racial tension to further their own agenda. It’s an old ploy. Keep them fighting with each other and while they’re not looking we’ll erode every last ounce of freedom they ever dreamed of.

George W Bush says "This is not a Holy War, it is not a Holy War. Let me repeat, just in case you missed it the first 2 times, this is not a Holy War. It’s a Crusade. A crusade against terrorism. And the terrorists just happen to be Muslims, at least that’s what we want you to believe."

They’re actually focusing our attention on to an issue none of us could really give a shit about. Religion, race, if nobody mentioned these things we would just get on with it.

It’s like the War on Drugs. They say ‘Now kids, don’t do drugs. Drugs are bad Ok. Look, here’s somebody rolling a joint. See how much top quality Skunk he’s putting in it, that’s going to fuck him up real bad. Don’t do that Ok. Oh look, here’s somebody using a lighter and a tablespoon to prepare his Heroin. See how he slaps his arm to bring the vein up to make sure he gets a clean hit. Don’t do that Ok. This is your government speaking and you don’t want to disobey us, do you?’

So they do the same with Muslim’s don’t they. They say, "This is not a war against Muslims, honest. Muslims have got nothing to do with this. But just in case, if you do see anyone who looks like a Muslim, then run like fuck. Especially if they’ve got a penknife. They can do untold damage with one of those things."

We’re Sorry!!

But the good news is, the Pentagon says it’s saddened by any loss of civilian life, but unfortunately that’s just part of war. Oh that makes it alright then. They say this is a war on Terrorism, but excuse me, isn’t blowing up innocent civilians a form of Terrorism. I’m not sure, I’ll have to look it up in a dictionary but I think it’s got something to do with that.

But the Pentagon are very good sports though, aren’t they? They say the Taliban is lying about the fact that over 300 civilians have died after 8 days of 2000-pound bombs landing in the centre of Kabul. Tell me, what did the Americans think was going to happen? They’re like "No that last bomb didn’t count, we had a man offside."

The Americans and British aren’t all bad though. They stopped bombing on a Muslim Holy Day, they said "We respect the Afghanistan people’s religion, so we will allow them a peaceful day" That was nice of them, I have to admit. But then they say "But tomorrow, they’re fucking getting it again."

But don’t worry because Tony Blair says he’s going to stand by the Afghanistan and Iraq people after the respective wars. Aye, if there is any of them left that is.

We were told during the Afghan war, that 90% of Americans surveyed in an opinion poll, now think that George Bush is doing a good job. Now, I don’t know about you but I don’t think that the American public are that naive. I think the question they got asked was "Do you think George Bush is doing a good job…..of blowing up innocent civilians?" "Hell Yeah" It’s the 10% who don’t think he’s doing a good enough job of blowing up innocent civilians that I worry about.

Carry On As Normal

Then they tell us to carry on as normal. World War III is just about to kick off but if you could buy Bob The Builder’s new single that would be great for the economy. Oh, and If you don’t there will be a recession, and you don’t want a recession and WWIII do you?

Then at the same time as telling you to carry on as normal, they issue Red Alert warnings. Everybody should be on Red Alert for Terrorism. But don’t panic. Just stay on Red Alert, but don’t panic. Fucking hell, make your mind up. I can’t do fucking both!

Can you remember at a Man Utd game not long after Sept 11, F-15 fighter jets and black helicopters were flying over the stadium.We’re all supposed to feel a lot safer when we see F-15′s and Helicopters flying overhead. ‘Ah, Good old Big Brother, they will take care of us’.

I better watch what I’m saying or I’ll be getting a visit from the Men In Black. I mean, nobody wants to see a referee at their front door.

Perfect Excuse

I’m sick to death of hearing about Post Sept 11. It’s a fucking amazing excuse for them to introduce all the things they’ve been planning for decades, but under normal circumstances we’d tell them to get to fuck.

"Well, post Sept 11 to combat terrorism you’re all going to have to get the Union Jack’s out and support Tim Henman at Wimbledon"
"But, who cares, he’s only an upper class overrated twit who plays tennis"
"Don’t disobey the state, get the fucking flags out NOW, do you want to live in a world where terrorism rules. NO? Well, come on, let’s here it for Tim"

Fuck Oor Boys

And what’s all this Who-Ha in the papers every time an American or a British soldier dies in Iraq. Everyone’s like "Ah, boo-hoo they murdered another one of oor boys. Ain’t it terrible?"

First of all, stop referring to them as Oor boys. They don’t represent me any more than the Scottish Football team represents me. Actually there is one key difference. I actually want the football team to win.

Personally I celebrate, everytime an American or British soldier get’s killed. "Yippee. Another one bites the dust." Serves them right for believing those adverts."
‘Come on, join the Army. Lot’s of fun. See the world, go parachuting, canoeing, mountain climbing, it’ll be great.’

What they don’t tell you is there’s a fair chance you’ll be ambushed by an irate Iraq citizen who just happens to be more than a little pissed off since the bombs you dropped on their city repeatedly every night for a month, killed the rest of his family and now you are occupying his country and he’s after your blood. It turns out they don’t like being liberated in such a way. Bring back Saddam, all is forgiven. They don’t mention that in the adverts, do they?

Equality in the Army

Another thing I can’t understand is why women want to join the army. They think it’s unfair that men are the only ones who are allowed to drop bombs on civilians or to get killed in action. I thought women were supposed to be more intelligent sex of the species.

In fact, I want to know when Women are going to save the world. Not women like Margaret Thatcher or Hilary Clinton, obviously. They’re the exception to the rule. There may be more but I don’t know History.

But I think women should ban men from having sex with them until we have world peace. There would be demonstrations everyday until all Weapons of Mass Destruction were destroyed on mass.

But then you get the disabled people who are jealous of women, they say, well if women can join the army we want to join. We’re obviously not disabled enough! BANG, BANG. "There, you are even more disabled, you are fucking dead. Are you happy now?"

Small Reminder

I heard a classic line on the BBC News the other night. "And here’s a reminder of why we’re at war with the terrorists." And then they replayed the planes hitting the towers.
I was like "Oh so that’s why we’re at war. Id’ forgot about that. It obviously never sunk in the first 976 million times they showed it. Oh well, continue bombing then."

Blair Deserves an Oscar

Another thing that is shown too much on television these days is all these TV and Film award ceremonies. Like the Oscars for example. I don’t like the Oscars. In fact, I think they’re fixed, don’t you? I mean, how come Tony Blair never wins? Answer me that one.

Have you seen the performance he puts in? Every day, he walks about with that fake plastic smile. Trying to shake everyone’s hand. While pretending he’s running the country. Fuck me, I mean the man couldn’t run a bath.

And we still vote for him. Now, that’s pretty impressive, you have to admit. Surely he deserves an award for that. I mean, Geri Halliwell and Robbie Williams are both talentless fucks and we buy their records, listen to their inane drivel and then give them awards to tell them how great they are, what’s wrong with giving our Tony a pat on the back?

Christ, the man never stops. Every day he’s on TV. Visiting under funded and understaffed hospitals,
Travelling on extremely safe re-railed trains,
Answering different questions to the ones he got asked,
Clamping down on crime and racism by getting people back to work by offering the minimum wage for a job I wouldn’t ask an Englishmen to do,
And my personal favourite, is when he has those scripted spontaneous arguments with the opposition leader. You know, they might oppose one another, but their powers of telepathy are second to none.

Remember when Tony Blair came on TV in front of a studio audience and people at home to answer any questions about running the country for a whole hour! OOoo we should be so thankful. And at the end he said he must do that more often! Yet, we’ve not seen him since, he’s been busy sorting the rest of the world problems to be bothered with us in poor little Blighty.

I would like to sit him down for at least 10 hours every week and get torn in about him. And not stop harassing him until every man women and child has a house and food and decent clothing. That’s not too much to ask now is it? But of course it is. They wouldn’t want that because if we had the basics of life we would realise we don’t need Tony and his cronies at all and they could all get to fuck, so they have to keep us just above the poverty line, in most cases.

The questions I would ask are "So Tony, you think War is a solution to problems do you. Have you ever tried any Magic Mushrooms? No, well get them down your neck and if you still believe in war after them then I guess you are as daft as you look.

The issue of trust and Tony Blair has raised it’s head recently. Surprise, Surprise. I don’t trust Tony Blair at all.
I think if Tony Blair was Pinocchio, his nose would be big enough to satisfy fucking Madonna by now.
Madonna, is 3 miles away with her legs open. Tony is running in with his nose. Madonna says "Is it in yet?"
"Yes, it’s in"
"Well, I still can’t feel anything. Tell the British public some more lies"
"Ok, People of Britain, I really did believe Saddam did have weapons of mass destruction"
"Oh, I’m beginning to feel something now Tony, keep lying"
"Ok, Dr David Kelly, really did commit suicide, you know. I had nothing to do with his cold blooded murder"
"Oh, Yes, Tony, more, more"
"Diana wasn’t murdered"
"Oh, I love it, I love it" etc ad infinum.

That whole Iraq thing was not a war for Oil. You’ve got to remember these guys are masters of deception. They wanted us to think it was about oil. It’s far more sinister than that, I’m afraid. It was all about giving Madonna an orgasm.

Propaganda is Everywhere

Hollywood is nothing more than propaganda machine for the Elite powers that rule the world. Do you think it was a co-incidence that Pearl Harbour comes out just a few months before Sept 11th?Just so we all know what action we should take when America get’s attacked. Get the flags out, fight back and bomb the bastards.

What they didn’t mention in the film (I presume because I never watched the pile of shite) was that Roosevelt the American President at the time had at LEAST 10 days prior knowledge of the attack on Pearl Harbour but chose not to evacuate the navel base. Mmmmm. Some things never change.

Then there was the film Hannibal as well, just a few months before and it had the FBI’s most wanted list on the film, which just happened to have Osama Bin Laden on it. No one was giving two shits about him at the time.

Then post Sept 11, we get to see the FBI’s most wanted list with Osama moved, in fact this month’s highest climber from number 10 to number one. And if the FBI can’t catch Hannibal, what chance have they got of finding that terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden.

Now they’re going after Saddam Hussein again. One question. Why didn’t George Bush senior give the orders to go and capture Saddam during the gulf war when the road was open to the troops and he was 5 minutes away from capture?

It couldn’t be because he’s a good buddie of old Georgie Snr and he knew that he would have to play a further part in the plan a few years down the line post Sept 11. Nah. That’s taking conspiracy theories a bit too far, now Billy, calm down.

Oh and another thing. Why wasn’t there a picture of Bush and Blair on this terrorist list? They should be Number 1 & 2, if you ask me. Oh, and I’m only talking about them because they are seen as the leaders in the public arena.

God knows who’s pulling the strings, really. Some people say it’s the CIA some say it’s the Israelis, personally I think it’s demons from another dimension but that’s a whole other story.

Problem, Reaction, Solution

So I think it was all a conspiracy and here’s how I think it works. I’m not the first to come up with this idea but when I read about it it made sense to me. It’s a technique called Problem, Reaction, Solution. Oh and yes David Icke amongst others has talked about it, you got a problem with that?

First they (whoever ‘they’ may be) create a problem, then get a public reaction by using the media, then they offer the solution to the problem they created, to implement what they wanted in the first place.

Let me give you an example. Say for instance, I want to shove a huge double ended dildo up your arse. If I just ask you outright ‘Excuse me, can I shove a huge double ended dildo up your arse?’ What’s your answer going to be? For the sake of the story I’ll presume it’s no. Right so I have to create a problem. So I put something in your water supply that stops you shitting.

Now that’s not such an outrageous proposition, cause already we have fluoride in our water supply and that’s actually a poison. It’s an intellect suppressant as well. Obviously, Jade Goodey drinks a hellava lot of water.

After a week you will be demanding that something must be done to cure your constipation or you will explode. You’ve got a Problem. You look for help.
"Help, help, I’ve got shit coming out of my mouth. What are you going to do to solve this problem?" I’ve elicited a Reaction from you. The exact one I was after.

So I then come along and offer my solution. I say, "Well you obviously can’t take any tablets as there is so much shit there. The only way to clear your constipation is for me to shove a huge double ended dildo up your arse"
"What, you’ve got to shove a huge double ended dildo up my arse?"
"Yes and what’s more it’s not cheap, you’re going to have to you pay for it."
"What, you’re going to shove a huge double ended dildo up my arse, and I have to pay for it?"
"Yes, and I have to do it every day"
"What, you’re going to shove a huge double ended dildo up me arse every day and make me pay for it?"
"Yep, what’s your answer?"
Well, you’re in such a dire need you will accept anything as long as this problem goes away.
"Oh well, if that’s the only solution, you better start shoving it up me arse then, pronto tonto."
Whallop!

But if you just looked at the root cause, your food intake. You wouldn’t need a huge double ended dildo up yer bum every day. Well that’s exactly what this War on Terrorism is all about. Give up your freedoms to protect your freedoms. Eh? That doesn’t make sense.

Get Rid of Terrorism Altogether

But the good news folks is that Billy knows how to get rid of Terrorism altogether. Would you like to hear it? If you are as sick to death about hearing about Terrorism as I am, then of course you would.

Here’s how you do it. And it doesn’t involve killing any innocent civillians and it doesn’t involve taking away any of our civil liberties whatsoever.
If you want to get rid of terrorism, all you do is….drumroll….
…..you switch the fucking television off. Da Da.
Peace at fucking last. Praise the Lord, there is a God and he’s not worth fighting over.

Sex

// September 13th, 2007 // No Comments » // Rants

Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex it’s fucking everywhere these day’s isn’t it? I’m bloody sick of it. It sells papers, magazines, it’s in every television advert, a film is not complete without the obligatory sex-scene, and on and on it goes. It gives the impression that everyone in the whole world except for you is having a big orgy of mind blowing, sheet staining, bed-busting sex every day.

It’s as if the be all and end all to life is about whether or not you are getting your hole….or your cock…. or whatever. Sex has been blown out of all proportion and twisted into something silly.

And in doing this it has reduced sex to a mere physical act with the sole purpose it seems to be to be able to tell your friend’s about either,
A) The size of your mans dangily bits – if you’re a girl or
B) The size of your girl’s dangily bits – if you’re a man.

And I used the term ‘girl’ there instead of women because have you seen teenager girls recently? Fucking hell, I feel like a pervert when I’m walking up the High Street. I’m eyeing up these things with high heels and mini-skirts on and then they turn round to reveal their Al Capone like features. Not only do their mother’s let them go out like that, they encourage them by plastering them in their make up as well. I’ve never seen so much blue eyeliner in all my life.

And people say ‘Oh it’s not the parents fault, it’s all the adverts and these Pop Tarts like the The Spice Girls influence. Oh really. Who buys the fucking Spice Girls and Madonna DVD’s then? Yeah that’s right it’s the parent’s. And then without thinking they go and leave them lying around for their 8-year-old kids to find.

And they’re getting younger all the time aren’t they? Christ, at this rate, it won’t be long before babies of both sexes try and lick their mother’s clit on the way out the womb.

Reverse Psychology

I do think though that it’s hard to be a kid these days. Even the newspapers that pretend they’re against 3 in a bed and casual sex constantly advertise it by talking about it so much. It’s the old reverse psychology trick.

But the best one I ever heard for telling us to do something by telling us not to do it was on Central FM radio, Falkirk’s local station. I just about fell off my seat when I heard it. This had to be a wind up, surely. A lady from the council was on and she was talking about teenage pregnancies and how we need to make kids more aware of the need to use condoms during sex if they don’t want to have a baby. Just how stupid do they think these kids’s are? If you treat people stupid, they’ll act stupid, I always think.

Anyway the council’s new slogan for posters and pamphlets and to be aired on the radio to make kid’s think about the dangers of teenage sex was,
‘Sex – Are you thinking about it enough?’ Well, they are now thanks to you, you twat.

Sado Masochism

Anyway enough about our children’s sex lives, what about the adult’s? I think we are all sexually repressed and fucked up in the head myself. And yes, I include myself in that.

And again, sorry about this, but I think the media has a lot to answer for. There is an awful lot of programmes about sex on TV these days, isn’t there?

But have you ever seen the one they do every so often about Sado-masochism? That’s where sad old men actually pay good money to get their genitals tortured by Jo Brand look-alikes. Because obviously their wives are not going to pander to their sick desires. We all know how much the wives actually value the family jewels. Not like these guys, who don’t mind getting their rocks scratched at all.

But have you ever seen the guy who likes the cheese grater on the cock? We’re talking a cheese grater on the bell end here. A cheese grater! I mean, you use that to grate cheese for fuck’s sake. What kind of sick pleasure is that supposed to bring.

See because I watch so much Television, I have become desensitised to most things. I can watch all kinds of shocking things and not feel a thing I can watch murders, rape, hospital operations, starving Africans the lot, but I tell you, see as soon as I see that guy, with the cheese grater on the cock, I can’t find the fucking remote control quick enough. "Aarrghh, get it off, quick, that’s fucking evil that shit." I mean, surely the phrase, ‘that would bring a tear to a glass eye’ was invented for that.

And tell me, what do they do with all the grated cock bits? Maybe the brothel’s got a canteen and they all get swept up and served with the salad at lunchtime to the unsuspecting clients. "Eh, your salad is alright, but I don’t think much of your shredded beetroot!! It tastes like George W Bush’s cock." "Well, funny you should say that Mr Blair."

And when the mistresses in these brothels gets interviewed, they always claim that to do their job, you actually have to be a very loving, giving kind of a person. I say, "Aye, you have to love inflicting pain, ya bitch!"

I think that being a mistress is a bit like being a quiz show host, I mean to be a mistress you would have to have a very cold heart, you must enjoy humiliating people, be an expert in personal abuse and have no regard for a person’s human dignity whatsoever.. just like Anne Robinson.

Things seem to be getting more and more extreme. I’m just wondering where it’s all going to lead. Maybe in 5 years time the cheese grater will have been replaced by a dick shredder.

It’ll be something like "Oh yes, Mistress Anne, keep hitting me about the head with that baseball bat, oh yes it’s wonderful. Right to my balls now, oh yes, that’s fantastic. Right, do it now, do it now, I’m ready for the dick shredder! Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my God, that was fantastic, Jesus Christ, what an orgasm!"

Then a deep realisation hits home, "Oh No. Shit. The wife’s going to fucking kill me when she sees this. I had a hard enough time pissing into the toilet bowl, when I had something to aim with. It’s just going to go all over the shop now. Oh well, never mind, she seems to manage OK."

I wonder what the female equivalent of a dick shredder would be. Maybe a chainsaw dildo. The woman’s lying there all tied up,
"Make sure you get my clit on the downstroke. Oh yes. Yes, that’s amazing!!"
"Fucking hell, babe, there’s a lot of blood down here, are you on your period?"

Titilate the Masses

I was watching British Sex on Sky and it was all about the sex toy industry. It was pure titilation really. They had some old dear who worked there saying things like,
"Every year I have about 10,000 dildo’s going through my hands."
Of course you fucking do, you work in a fucking sex toy factory. What did you expect?
You don’t hear paper boy’s saying "Every year I have about 40,000 Sunday Mail’s going through my hands"
And then this lady said, "This blow up doll I’m packing is for a retired man who lost his wife recently." I take it he can’t find her anywhere.
And then she said, "And so this blow up doll will be ideal for him."
And I thought "Yeah, great companions those blow up dolls, just what he needs to keep him company into his old age. They’ll be down the bingo together next, just you wait and see."
"Sorry, to here about your loss George, I take it you haven’t found her yet"
"No, but it’s Ok I’ve replaced her with Saucy Sue here, you know, you’d hardly notice the difference, both their fannies are as dry as a badger’s arse."

And then we had a program on a while ago all about Orgies. Just nice little harmless orgies, nae bother at all. Fun for all the family. No that’s Incest isn’t it? That one’s on next month.

But I believe in unconditional love as much as the next enlightened Buddha. But I think free for all Orgies is taking it just a bit too far. I mean, call me old fashioned, but I think you should at least have been formally introduced to someone before shagging the arse of them. And furthermore you should actually like and respect that person, because after all you will be absorbing that person’s energy field into yours during the spiritual union that is called fucking.

Can you imagine you and your partner at an orgy? First of all you start of on safe territory, just shagging each other, getting off on watching all the other couples hard at it. Then both of you ‘gasp’ in horror as you see your cranky old neighbour Mr Williams approach, cock in hand. In unison you both say "Oh no, I hope he doesn’t mention that lawnmower we borrowed in 1976."

Can you remember those two girls on that series Holiday Reps? They were on the front pages of every paper in Britain for about a fortnight. Slappers R Us, was one of the headlines if I remember correctly.
Fucking hell, they had so much sex it made your eyes water just thinking about it. Where were those kind of girls when I was on holiday? I couldn’t find them anywhere. Mind you, maybe that’s because I was lying face down in a ditch somewhere, convinced I was having a great time.
You know that when you die you’re supposed to see your life review. I’m really looking forward to that to see what I got up to all those times I was blitzed out my brain.

Sex Inventions

And now it seems like shagging the whole world is not enough to satisfy us. Because those good old Scientists in their goat-like wisdom have invented a device that gives woman orgasms at the press of a button.
Seriously, some scientist discovered by ‘accident’, believe that and you’ll believe anything, that if you wire some electrodes from a woman’s clitoris to a small transmitter (microchip) in her arse, the women can give herself an orgasm by remote control.
Who need’s men eh? Because we certainly don’t have a 100% record in giving female orgasm’s do we guys? But at least we kiss and squeeze your bum occasionally. The human touch still counts for something.
But I know all the woman probably think remote control orgasm gadget is the answer to all your prayers. But think about it, all the men would be upstairs wanking on the net and all the woman on the settee enjoying getting to play with the remote control for the first time in their lives. Christ, the world would come to a standstill.

Passion Disappears

But see me, I love shaven fannies. I think they’re the best. Once you’ve had a shaven pussy, I think it’s very hard to go back to the hairy variety. Everytime I muff dive the wife when she’s let herself go unclipped for a couple of weeks, I’m sure I can hear fucking Axl Rose up there, singing ‘Welcome to the Jungle!!." So it kind of puts me off a bit. And because of his long hair, I keep on imagining the wife’s clitoris is Slash, the guitar player’s, nose. Actually, I think I need help.

But things change when you get married, don’t they? I mean, you still kind of love each other but that spark of passion isn’t there as much as it used to be. Felletio is a rare occurrence in our house. I now have to pass a medical examination before any kind of sexual activity. If I want a blowjob I have to go and take a shower, wash my cock in detal and scrub my bell end with a metal brush just to pass the inspection. It kind of kills the spontaneity a bit.

In the old days my wife wouldn’t mind the bobby cheese too much. Now it’s rules and regulations for everything. For instance, rubber gloves must be worn during any rectal fisting sessions. I can’t cum in her mouth unless she has a basin standing by. I even have to clean my teeth and use mouthwash before she lets me lick her arsehole!!! All the fun has been taken right out of it.

But never mind, we still love each other, which is the most important thing isn’t it? Aye, right. A good hard shag is what it’s all about and don’t let anybody tell you any different. I’m speaking for the men here, by the way, you ladies may have different priorities and that’s cool. Just understand we’d love you more if you swallowed on a regular basis, that’s all I’m saying.

Actually, thinking about it, I’m the one who can’t be arsed with sex now. It’s a bit of a chore to be honest. I enjoy it when I do it but its the thought of trying to get an erection for my old flabby arsed wife that puts me off and I’m sure a lot of men agree. Guys come on, lets give it to our ladies more often as I think they need it more than we do, it really does affect their mood greatly, intimacay is important to them, so lets not be so selfish. (Ignore this last bit if you wish, I’m just giving myself a pep talk.)

Various Sex Thoughts

What’s the big deal with Sex anyway? Willy goes in, Willy nearly comes out, Willy goes in, Willy nearly comes out, Willy goes in, Willy cums. Game over. Big fucking deal. I think we should all have a big orgy right now, just to prove how fucking ridiculous the whole thing of cheating and all that is. You can shag my wife and I’ll shag yours. Once we’ve done it and realised we don’t need to get all emotional about it, we can get on with our lives and do away with all our perversions forever.

I think we should integrate pedophiles back into society more. I think the reason pedophiles exist is because they’ve been mistreated all their lives and there’s not enough love in the world. So I think we should encourage our Kids to talk to strangers and adults should talk to kids more. I mean, why shouldn’t the kids get the chance to see the nice old man’s puppies. Ok so a few might get their arse reamed along the way, but overall I think it would work in the long run.

I recently made love to my wife in a real live Castle. Well, I say, made love, it only lasted about 30 seconds. I don’t know if you can classify that as making love, more like making a tit of myself. I don’t think my wife got too much pleasure from it. Maybe just an initial rush on entry.

But one thing you never hear about sex, is women coming to quickly. My wife always cums to quick. About 3 licks of her clit and that’s it. She’s satisfied. I try to keep it going because I believe sex is a spiritual union between two people but after she’s come she’s like, ‘come on, hurry up for fuck’s sake, the Premiership is on.’ She doesn’t say that but I can tell what she’s thinking.

I love the look on a women’s face when you put your cock up them. Their eyes go kind of misty don’t they. That’s when women are at their happiest. Unless they’re being raped, of course. But I love seeing women that happy. Especially when it’s my cock inside them.

Anal Sex

I’ve never given or received anal sex in my entire life. Although I did experiment with homosexuality when I was about 7 or 8. I can remember sticking my toothbrush up my arse. I did use it again afterwards, but it’s alright I washed it properly afterwards. And I didn’t use the brush end either, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Maybe I’m covering up homosexual tendencies. Maybe the repressive society I grew up in has conditioned me to be heterosexual. Just like now in these more liberal times it seems like they’re try to condition everyone to be homosexual. Life’s all about balance isn’t it, maybe the natural state of everyone is actually bisexual, you know ‘ifitsbreathingshagitsexual’.

But some ladies love anal sex don’t they. Some of them look as though they are right into it? I look at women all the time now and wonder if they take it up the arse. I can’t help it, I’ve seen too many double penetration shots on the internet porn.

But women, don’t feel under any pressure to do anal. If you are just say to you’re partner, Ok I’ll do it, but only if you do it first, then produce a 10" dildo from under the bed. That’ll soon shut him up. Well, it shut me up anyway.

Romance Isn’t Dead

But I think women are beautiful and are the main reason for staying alive on this planet right now. I’m trying to be more romantic, but its not easy cause I’m Scottish!! My idea of romance is to hand my wife a tube of KY Jelly and say, "There you go love, tonight’s you’re lucky night, slap that on."

But I know how to turn on a women more than anything you can read in any magazine. If you’re a man and you want great sex that night, here’s a little secret that’s been carefully guarded throughout history, all you need to do to get great sex is to voluntarily of your own back do some housework. It’s unbelievable. They’re all over you like a hot rash. That’s how the Kama Sutra was invented. One guy meditated on how he could get better sex and he had a vision with him with an apron and a feather duster. Next thing you know his bell end was as polished as his coffee table.

I want to know when Women are going to take over the world, I think it’s about time they did cause let’s face it men are total fannies. See before I met my wife, I used to spend every single night with my head down the toilet. I done that for 8 years from the age of 16 to 24. I know some guys have done that for much longer and that they are perfectly happy with their life choices and good luck to them. All I’m just saying I’d rather have my head down between a women’s legs than down a toilet….call me old fashioned.

Internet Wanking

// September 13th, 2007 // No Comments » // Gigs, Rants

Everybody talks about technology being such a great thing,
"Oh you’ve got to keep up to date with technology" they all say, no questions asked.
And of course technology has done some great things for mankind, like those Dancing Coca-Cola cans, they were brilliant, honest. I loved those. But I think that there is a down side to technology as well, which nobody talks about.

For instance I recently purchased a computer. And, ever since I did, I can’t seem to find the time to get anything else done in my life. What with all that pornography on the Internet…I’ve hardly got time to cook my dinner!!
I just run downstairs; throw a pie in the oven then run back upstairs to continue my search for the ultimate amateur gangbang picture gallery to ejaculate over.

I like the amateur gangbangs the best. Because with them at least you know that all parties involved love each other very much…and are not just doing it for the money.

The professional models just look so fake don’t they? Women smiling into the camera as a huge dollop of Spunk sits on her tongue. You know that one millisecond after that picture was taken she was being violently sick. But she says,
"Oh well at least it’s better than stacking shelves at Tesco’s on a Friday night."
And I suppose she’s got a point, at least this way she’s under no illusions that she’s getting fucked on a regular basis.

At least if the amateur models have cum in there mouth, you know they’re doing it because they really deeply truly love it. And that’s what I get off on.

I couldn’t believe it the first time I came across porn on the net, so to speak.
I thought, "Fucking hell, there’s people shagging on my computer screen!! Check the quality of that! That close up has extremely high resolution, hasn’t it?"

See, I don’t log on to the internet with the intention of having a wank, although I always have some toilet paper ready, just in case.
No, what I do is, I convince myself that there is some other really, really, important thing on the net that I really, really, need to find out about. Like say, the price of cheese for instance.
Then when I can’t find that after a grand total of ONE attempted search, I say, "Ah Bollocks to it. Oh well, seeing as how I’m logged in already, I might as well check out the hardcore pornography."

And until I got used to it, it used to take me forever and a day to find any decent porn. I must have been up about a million porn free dead ends trying to locate some exotic gallery that didn’t even fucking exist!
I don’t know about you, but when I click on an icon that says anal sex galleries, I expect to see a woman with a fucking cock up her arse, or at the very least a man with a cock up his. At least that way they couldn’t get done under the trade descriptions act.

And when I do eventually find a list I can rely upon, to do exactly what it says on the icon, then great, I commence wanking. And in what seems like 5 minutes, but it is actually 3 and a half hours of pure unadulterated genital stimulation later, I eventually cum…. just as the wife comes home from work and demands to be serviced, right that very instant.

Well first of all I’ve just come, so she’s out of luck and second of all normal sex with the wife just doesn’t turn me on anymore and it’s not due to the fact that since we’ve got married she’s ate far too many cherry pies. And it’s not because she’s not shaved her legs for a couple of weeks…or her armpits for a couple of months….or her beard for a couple of years. No I’m afraid I need to be stimulated a bit more than just "Ok come and get it big boy."

But it’s true isn’t it. Our perversion level is rising daily. For instance, you know these men’s magazines you get on the top shelf of your local Ethnic minority paper shop, one’s like Escort and Fiesta and Go For It My Son, well they just don’t cut the mustard now do they?
I think they’re going to need to upgrade their product to keep up with the times if they want to stay in business, in my humble opinion.

I mean, there is some nice young lady lying there, thinking she’s the bee’s knees, because she’s got her tits and beaver out for the boys, while lying on a car bonnet.
Big fucking deal. I mean, whoopee Fucking Doo, I’m supposed to shoot my load over that? Listen, thanks to the internet, I need to see a cock up her pussy, one up her dungbox and at least 2 more spurting all over her face, before my dick will even think about getting hard.

That bloody Internet, it’s ruining my life. I think I’m addicted to it.
A third of my income goes on toilet paper alone. I’ve had to give our paperboy a backhander so he’ll deliver a 9 pack of Andrex every morning.
I’m actually thinking about taking out shares in Andrex, because there’s a whole generation of wankers out there and they’re spreading like fucking wildfire.

You know what else I’ve had to do? You know the wastepaper basket it’s quite handy to keep beside the computer? I’ve had to have that taken out and replaced….with a fucking Wheely Bin!

I do get slightly embarrassed when the dustmen come to empty out it out and a huge rectangular mass, of rock hard pink bog roll slides out into the truck.
You can hear the machinery wrestle with it….Jesus Christ, Holy Smoke, This cunt’s been doing a power of wanking. I tell you, my neighbours don’t know where to look.

But you know, on a serious note, there is only so much hardcore porn you can look at before it becomes a bit boring, you know, before every picture just starts to look the same as the one before….about 10 hours a day is my absolute limit.

Then for the sake of my sight alone I have to run downstairs and check if my pie is ready. Sometimes without even washing my hands I have to tell you. Yep, it’s another burnt offering for me that night.

Wanking on a computer screen eh? Who the fuck thought of that one? It’s like, how to go blind in double quick time. It’ll not be long before all the men in the world are just like Joe 90. We’ll all be walking around with big thick spectacles on bumping into each other. Everyone will be blaming the computer screens though, not a word about all the wanking that’s going on.

To tell you the truth I’m actually starting to get a bit worried about it all.
Because I’ve personally exhausted all the groupsex galleries and facial cumshot galleries. and I’ve moved on to Pissing in Public Galleries….well not literally.

But I’m just wondering where it is all going to lead. Maybe you’ll see me in 6 months time and I’ll be wearing a silver jump suit and big platform soles, my hair will be 6" high, I’ll be doing the Hitler walk around the stage, and asking you all, "Do you want to be in my gang, my gang, my gang…..Do you want to be in my gang Oh yeah?"

That’s because I’ve been looking at child pornography like Gary Glitters first crime, not because of his recent crime of raping young teenagers….there is a line.

But I actually hate pornography. I hate pornography more than any person in the world. Probably cause I spend more than half of my life staring at it.
I often wonder what my Granny up in heaven thinks, as she looks down on me wanking my life away. I think she would understand that it is probably just an outward expression of the deep craving I have for more excitement and love in my life, at least that’s my excuse anyway.