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Valentine’s Day

// February 14th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Poems

It is Valentines Day today
We are all suppossed to show our love
To the special one in our life
The one who was sent down from above

But I am afraid I have outgrown
The childish customs we all share
So I don’t buy chocolates or roses
Or even compliment her hair

I don’t tell her that I love her
For I am not even sure I do
After twelve years of marriage
We have to force ourselves to screw

If truth be told I want to
Go and shag a whore
Cause making love with the wife
Has just become a chore

I want to spread my seed
In women young and old
God, just to have one fresh pussy
Would be like striking gold

I would then come home to my wife
And tell her all about it
How my cum ran down a srangers face
I won’t mention the freaky shit

Hopefully my wife would be inspired
To compete with the slag
Cause I’ve forgotten what it feels like
To have a care free shag

For back in the old days
Having sex with her was fun
I guess thats why I thought
She was the fucking one

Now she has this way of deflating
My once fortnightly erection
So I now take care of it myself
And I starve her of affection

For when I am having sex
I don’t want to hear about my boy
So now if she wants a cuddle I just hand her
Her fucking 8 inch toy

I’m convinced if she’d agree
To let me shag other birds
Our sex life would improve
Immeasurably beyond words

I would get my appetite back
For the sexual act
And for her understanding
I would love her more and thats a fact

The only thing that would worry me
Would be if she demanded the same
And started seeing so many guys
She’d as well be on the game

Because her chances of pulling
Are light years ahead of mine
So I guess I should cut my losses
And take my wife out to dine

Maybe that would put the romance
Back into our relationship
And if we want to ignite some passion
We’ll put the lights out when we strip

Annabel Chongs Wet Dream

// September 13th, 2008 // No Comments » // Funny Poems

The pornstar Annabel Chong had a world record dream
She was desperate to become the world’s most popular gangbang queen
She already held the record for the porn industry’s first triple entry
But this cunning stunt she hoped would ensure her place in degradation history

She set herself a reasonable target of 20 Rugby Teams
And in more ways than one this event definitely had an oval ball theme
Her dream was advertised to all the loners on the net
If you want to dip your wick, it said, this may be the best chance you’ll get

So 300 stiffs turned up for Annabel and formed an orderly queue
Our lady looked quite taken by the motley looking crew
She lay down on the bed and spread her bandy legs
After all she was no stranger to dropping her smelly kegs

One by one they clambered on, to do what they had come to do
To take part in a New World Record and to batter her fishy pussy blue
They all went at it hard and fast, showing her no mercy
It’s amazing the friction that can be generated by an ejaculating Percy

By number 43, her not so private parts, began to really hurt
She wondered how long it was going to take for 300 pervs to spurt
After 10 hours of constant banging, she said enough’s enough
The rest of you will have to find some other freelance muff

But the good news is she had done enough to go down in history
Two hundred and fifty one dick’s all starred in her latest home movie
But the nerd who was next in line took the rejection like a curse
For it was his dream to take someone’s sloppy two hundred and fifty firsts

"What! 10 hours I’ve been here, patiently wanking my turn
What have I done to be the one that she has chose to spurn
Well give me a hangman’s rope and stick an orange in my mouth
I’m going to go the same way as the Minister for London South

But coming back to Annabel, like so many have done before
She has the cheek to claim that she is not a whore
If you ask her why she done it, she’ll say for fame and lots of money
She claims that this is her first step to becoming a Playboy Bunny

So to achieve that ambition Annabel invited all and sundry
To pound her senseless then give them the experience of cuckoldry
But I think the reason she got them to penetrate her every nook and cranny
Is because at the end of the day, she’s acting just like a fucking fanny

The Foaming Toilet

// August 13th, 2008 // No Comments » // Funny Poems

My wife is a Muslim and I insulted her father
Cause asking him for her hand was too much bother
So he didnae come to Scotland for his own daughters wedding
He just stayed at home and planned my beheading

A’ knew he wanted tae take ma life
When his wedding present tae us was a single steak knife
Eventually the time came tae pay him a visit
We were buying a hoose and he had the deposit

When I pushed the bell I was as scared as hell
I was convinced I was ringing my own death knell
When he answered the door I was taken aback
When he didnae grab a cleaver and start tae hack

He seemed pretty calm, in fact quite placid
Maybe he was going to poison me with sulphuric acid
But after dinner I was as right as rain
I was wondering how he was going to inflict his pain

It was time for bed, a’ had escaped ma plight
So tae celebrate a’ shagged his daughter all night
A’ wrapped the condoms in a big ball of bog roll
But nobody told me the toilet pipes there are small

For the next few days we got on quite well
Even though the language barrier we began to gel
It’s amazing what a common love of Raki will do
Even though every night it made me spew

A’ was never so ill though not tae fuck his daughter
Like all newly weds we were lambs to the slaughter
And a kept flushing those parcels down the loo
Just to make sure her father hadnae a clue

Well the time had nearly come for us tae leave
But what happened next you wouldnae believe
The night before we were due to go home
When I flushed the toilet it began tae foam

It started erupting like an Icelandic Geyser
Why this was happening I was still none the wiser
There was urine and shit all over the floor
It then formed a river running under the door

Her father inspected it, he didnae look too happy
It’s been a long time since he has changed a nappy
He telt me tae go back tae my fucking bed
And called me the Turkish equivalent of Ned

In the morning a man came tae inspect the plumbing
Ah had realized by now he’d find the remains of my coming
He lifted several slabs to get tae the source of the fault
When he found it I was expecting her fathers assault

He remained quite calm I have to say
Although he didn’t object when I offered to pay
So that is how I made my impression
And added to her fathers pent up aggression

That was ma first time in a Muslim country
And even with the headscarves the women are sultry
But a’ don’t think I will try tae form a Harem
As my next father in law might not be so serene

Xmas Spots

// July 13th, 2008 // No Comments » // Funny Poems

Every year at Xmas
Ah’ come oot in a rash of zits
Thinking how much ma wife is spending
On her shopping blitz

Ah’ refuse tae take part
Ah’ dinnae believe in a’ that pish
Xmas is just a good excuse
Tae drink like a thirsty fish

Ma wife says that’s the reason
Ma face goes red an’ blotchy
Ah’ tell her tae shut her mouth
An’ stop making uz feel guilty

So she takes her anger oot
By going mental with her Visa
That’s why every year at Xmas
Ma face looks like a Pizza

Last year wiz really bad
A’ got one on ma nose
Turning up for family dinner
Was sure tae bring me woes

"Hey, here comes Rudolf
Rudolf, where’s yer sleigh?"
"Aye, you’re all hilariously funny
Can ye’s no’ think of yer own cliche?"

Sitting through dinner wiz sheer hell
Nae yin could look at us
Withoot killing themselves with laughing
While pointing at ma pus

The next day ah’ went an’ bought
The cheapest lotion a’ could find
It wiz just after Xmas
So saving money wiz on ma mind

Little did a’ know
Ma skin doesnae like toxic waste
It caused a nuclear eruption
All over ma fuckin’ face

A’ tried sticking a drawing pin
Intae the daddy of the bunch
But that just made it angry
It used ma face for lunch

It was like some kind of Alien
Had sprung tae life in there
It was like that Alien from the film
But even worse, a’ swear

Then some baby ones
Started rallying around
That’s the last time a’ buy lotion
That’s 3 for a pound

A’ should have taken ma wife’s advice
And bought something more effective
Let’s hope this year a’ don’t end up with
A face like the singing detective

The Shire

// July 13th, 2008 // No Comments » // Funny Poems

Ah’ used tae live near a fitba’ ground
That of East Stirlingshire F.C
You had tae pay 12 pound tae get in
Ah’ think they should have let you in for free

Cause they hardly ever won a game
Their style of fitba’ was quite bleak
So ma life wasnae too affected
By huge crowds every week

Half of ma neighbours
Didnae ken aboot the ground at all
But most of them were Heroin addicts
With nae great sense of recall

But ah’ll no’ hear a bad word against them
They helped me oot when ma video got nicked
So quick did they find a replacement
Ah’ thought the Heroin made them psychic

One time a’ had a hangover
That wiz so bad you wouldnae believe
Ye could have set fire tae ma bed
And a’ still wouldnae leave

A’ didnae make it intae work that day
A’ guess that comes as nae surprise
It also put paid tae ma chances
Of getting ma good attendance rise

At two o’clock a’ stopped being sick
A’ had given masel’ a scare
But the hoose was rancid wi’ ma farts
So ah’ needed some fresh air

As a’ wiz officially on the sick
A’ had tae be careful where tae go
So a’ went tae watch the Shire
It was the safest place to lie low

When a’ entered the ground
Ah’ couldnae believe ma eyes
Ah’m sure fae Mars or Jupiter
Ye could have heard ma cries

"What are television cameras doing here?"
A’ screamed an’ bared my teeth
"For God’s sake, they’re not playing Real Madrid
They are playing Cowdenbeath

The only people remotely interested
Are already here
Why do you keep screwing with me God?
It’s enough tae drive a man tae beer"

Ah’ tried tae hide behind
A regular Shire fan
A’ explained tae him the situation
But he just "Grow up be a fucking man"

So I stayed to put myself through hell
Cause the Shire’s footballing tradition
Made three days cold turkey
Seem like an attract?ve propostion

But I had to leave five minute later
I didn’t want to get addicted to being a loser
The only alternative was to watch the game
Which is the ultimate form of self abuser

But deep down I really admire
The addicts and the supporters of the team
Cause even against every kind of opposition
They still believe in their no hope in hell pipe dream