Billys Website

Lou Reed Expulsion

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One week after the Great White Shaft episode in London, I had tickets to go and see Lou Reed at the Edinburgh Playhouse.

When I went to pick up my pals up and I told them about the GWS at the Comedy Store and they thought I’d seriously lost my marbles. They started making jokes about the fact that I better not get thrown out of the Lou Reed gig. I, of course, laughed also, the very idea seemed absurd. I think you can tell what’s coming, can’t you?

So we went to the gig at the Edinburgh Playhouse where I am old enough to remember when everyone used to leave their seats and stand down at the front during a gig and get a good atmosphere going, but not these fucking ‘bureaucracy gone mad ‘days. Because of all the population control, eh sorry, Health and Safety Regulations you’re not allowed to do that anymore.

So I was prepared for that, so I said to the steward that I was just going to stand at the very back of the hall so I could dance by myself. I mean, what harm could that do?

"No, No – get to your seat, get to your seat. It’s more than my jobs worth to let anyone enjoy themselves" she said. So I had to squeeze into row double KK and wait for Lou to come on so I could tap my foot and nod my head approvingly.

But I was going through a phase where I was finding out about authoritarian control of the population by the government and I thought it was all part of a big conspiracy, plus and mainly I just wanted to dance, to express my soul through body movement, anyone remember that?

So at the start of the 4th song, I said to myself ‘Fuck this! nobody tells Billy Watson to sit down at a concert.’ Especially Lou Reed for fucks sake. Different if it was Phantom of the Opera or something but Lou was in the Velvet Fucking Underground!!! Maybe the rest of the audience have lost their souls but I’m going to fight to keep mine alive.

So I got up, walked right down the front of the stage and stood all by myself, staring at Lou Reed. I felt a bit of a prick to tell you the truth. There was like 3000 pairs of eyes boring into the back of my head, going, "What’s he doing? Who the fuck does he think he is? Get back into your seat. I paid £34 to tap my foot to Lou Reed, how dare you enjoy yourself" were the mutterings.

Of course, within 30 seconds 2 bouncers were across "Get back in your seat"
"I just want to stand here" I replied.
"You’re not allowed. Get back in your seat"
So reluctantly I went to the back of the hall where originally I just wanted to dance. There was no steward there now. But that wasn’t good enough for me now. This was a stand off. Me against the fascist dictatorship.

So as the 4th song really kicked into gear, I skipped from the back of the hall, all the way down the front and started jumping up and down like crazy. "Go on, Lou. Go for it" I turned round to the audience. They were wondering what drugs I had been taking by this point. I started to try and get all them going. Like in days of old, excitement at seeing a Legend.

A few of them stood up, a few were caught in no man’s land. Their souls were screaming, ‘Yeah, go for it’ but their conditioned mind was saying ‘Oh no. I can’t express emotion outside of my robot like normality’.

I was urging them to join me for some good old fashioned Rock and Roll before it was too late, lets claim back our music for fucks sake. They were too slow though, because the bouncers were soon across. "Let me see your ticket, get back to your seat."
"No"
"No? What do you mean No?"
"I mean I’m not going back to my seat"
"Well, we’re going to have to throw you out then."
"Well, I guess that’s what you’re going to have to do, because I’m not fucking moving"

Arm up the back and escorted out the building. One of the sheep didn’t take to kindly to my antics, "Yeah, fuck off" she yelled. I thought, "Oh well, everyone’s entitled to their opinion, fucking stupid cow."

On the way out, I was saying to the bouncers, "It’s ok guys, I understand you’ve got a job to do. A mortgage and wife and kids to keep. It’s the system man. I just wanted to enjoy myself."

I think they were quite sympathetic as they didn’t through me out of the building with full force, more like a little nudge. It had happened again, deja vu. I started pissing myself laughing. Then I thought "MMMmm £34 for 4 songs. Whose the fucking mug ? "

I was told by my friends later that, when I got up to go to the front they thought I’d gone to the toilet. They were rather surprised when one said to the other "Is that Billy down there being ejected by those bouncers?"

They knew it was me as I was led past row KK and out the building. I was having a drink in the pub next door, expecting to wait about 2 hours until the gig finished and my friends left. But next thing you know they appeared in the pub looking for me. "What are you lot doing here?" "Oh we left the gig to come and get you ya daft bastard" They couldn’t be arsed with the sitting like sardines policy either.

I didn’t want them to leave the gig and felt really bad especially as one of the lads was actually a workmate of one of my friends; it was the first time he’s been let out the house by himself since his wife had a baby about 4 years ago. He’d been dying to see Lou Reed for about 15 years. I could tell by his face he wasn’t too pleased with me. He’s the one on the left in this photo taken in the pub I was waiting for them in afterwards.

I actually got a mention in the review of the gig in the Edinburgh Evening News. It went like this, ‘The song Turning the Tide started innocuously enough, slowly building into a crescendo, sending one punter into paroxysms at the front of the stage. Security staff try to remonstrate with the man but he is oblivious and is eventually led away by them.’

I had to look up paroxysms in a dictionary to find out what they were. Seeing as how I was in them, apparently.

Going into a fit or rage, is the definition. I mean, can you imagine me going into a fit or rage. I mean, really, come on. It was just a celebration of life or at least that’s how I perceived it through my very stoned mind.

Of course, now you’re not even allowed to smoke a cigarette at a gig, far less a joint (Ok, so technically we’ve neverbeen allowed to do that but at least you could get away with it). Now what’s the fucking point of going? All the enjoyment has been taken out of life. I hate the fucking sheeple.

Follow Your Heart

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The time has come to put myself out there
The parapet has sheltered me long enough
It does no good to be a shrinking violet
A seed has to grow if it wants to be loved

I hid my dreams from my conscious mind
While I pursued different ways of getting ahead
My heart waited patiently as I got dizzy
Trying to make money while feeling like lead

I put my body on the line to make a profit
Pushed my will to the max to stay above water
I done all I could to avoid the sinking rat race
When I enter that I’m like a lamb to the slaughter

So I joined pyramid schemes to get rich quick
But I didn’t have the energy to reach the capstone
I then heard about online fortunes being made
I thought that was the way to get this dog his bone

So I built several websites to turn sweat into cash
I followed the pied pipers of business building
They promise the earth if you do what they say
But all I was doing was polishing their gilding

Through my efforts I made an obvious discovery
If your heart is on ice money means nothing
To trade in your soul for the means to an end
Is like cutting your tongue out so that you can sing

Because I was choosing to ignore my creative spark
There was no healthy channel for its inevitable release
So it expressed itself in a myriad of social settings
And I turned into one of the T-Birds from Grease

I was like a crazed Bull in my own China Shop
Chasing mad cows like they were going out of fashion
My mind told me that I deserve to be loved
And that I had a divine right to live life with passion

Of course this is true but with no heart to guide it
I tried to manipulate and control situations
I mistook the outside world as outside myself
Which led to a series of romantic frustrations

I started to figure out why nothing goes right
My ego was grasping at too many a short straw
None of it’s options had the means to go deep
Believing they did was it’s biggest character flaw

The time came when I got beyond physically tired
So I sat down to contemplate where I had been
My tracks made a spagetti junction seem straight
My heart was still waiting for my brain to go green

So now work and love were both out of balance
The time had come to look straight in the mirror
I had travelled too far from the core of my being
I had to turn around so I could start to get nearer

I was living as an inhabitant of Chapel Perilous
A body functioning but with no self control
The waters in my psyche were stagnant and muddy
And I was behaving like a demonic paranoid troll

This was indeed the Dark Night of my Soul
So I reached for the light to see the righteous path
I stumbled upon it by the Grace of the Goddess
Feeling her love was enough to cause me to laugh

So now I am following the river of least resistance
I choose not to listen to what business leaders say
They make hard work sound like a worthwhile pursuit
But now is the time my carefree joy had it’s day

I will let go of my past successes and failures
Learn and explore new directions of thought
I’ll open my sail and let inspired winds set my course
Life is to be lived, it is not a war to be fought

I trust that by taking this leap of blind faith
The universe will show me the signs to follow
If I can make some money along the way
That will prove financial success doesn’t have to be hollow

Blues Box Night Out

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I like to go out for a drink
With my friends Tugce and Ebru
We call ourselves The Olympos Team
Or sometimes the Antalya Beer Crew

They sometimes invite some friends
Who cannot understand what I say
Their English is like my Turkish
Fortunately alcohol smooths the way 

It is weird living in another culture
I feel so sorry for young women here
Their families are far too controlling
It’s a miracle they even drink beer

But they manage in spectacular fashion
These girls sure know how to party
The beautiful thing is they can get drunk
Without resorting to the need to be clarty

Some men would be disappointed
That all that beer is going to waste
But I don’t need to have sex with them
If I did their drink would be laced

But they had to go home early that evening
So I went to Dip Bar to see Blues Box
My friend Hendi is their singer
And they certainly are the dogs bollocks

They know how to whip up the crowd
By playing popular hits of the past
Dancing with beautiful young women
You can be sure that I had a blast

Nicko and Sebnem who work with Hendi
Turned up to show their support
Sebnem really seemed to love them
Cause all she did was snort

I know my patter is not that funny
And Hendi’s fly was not undone
So it must have been their music
That was causing her so much fun

At one point I thought I had got lucky
With a bird with long flowing blonde hair
If only she knew how to shave
Cause her face looked like that of a bear

Unfortunately she soon disappeared 
So I made some advances on the Bar Lady
She humoured me for about five minutes
Before telling me my moves were shady

So my friends and I continued to drink
Nicko must have had a couple of E’s
Cause long after the band had left
He was still raving to sounds of the Ninties

But the sad news is that Hendi will leave soon
A new adventure awaits him in Brazil
Let’s hope the band survives without him
I’m sure they will because they are brill

If they are ever really desperate for a singer
I would happily volunteer
The only problem is that I can’t sing
Unless I have twelve bottles of beer

Then I can’t remember the words
Or even stand up on my feet
But inside my head I’m a rock star
As I get thrown out onto the street

If only I had a voice like the man himself
Maybe that’s why women throw themselves at him
Maybe I need to try a new sober strategy 
Or get myself down to the gym

What’s he got that I haven’t?
Apart from a voice, good looks and charm
Surely skin colour is not that important
Maybe he’s got a cock like a baby’s arm

So good luck Hendi in your new life
Or rather, a new chapter of the old one 
If you thought Turkish women were crazy
Apparently Brazilians are even more fun!      ;-)

Hendi Interview

I grabbed a hold of Hendi and dragged him outside into the street for a quick interview. 

Hey Joe

Here are some clips I caught of the band. Please excuse the shaky camera work and background singing.  They deserve a better camera crew than a drunken Billy but as usual I do my best under difficult circumstances.  ;-)

Johnny Be Goode

Judging by the intro the full version of this would have been really good to get on video but I had to switch the camera off so I could give my full focus (or what was left of it) to dancing with the ladies. I am sure you understand.

Perfect

Although I got a bit sick of this song at the time of it’s release because it was played to death, I really enjoyed hearing it again. Not a typical cover song you hear in Antalya but a good choice and well done all the same.

Redemption Song

Without doubt my favourite Bob Marley song and a lot of other people’s too. My favourite song of the night as well.

Three Little Birds

I have been to Jamaica twice and both times visited Bob Marleys grave which is located right beside the house he grew up in a place called Nine Miles. There is a stone there which is painted with the colours of Rastafarianism.

Apparently Bob used to lie there and think of songs and the song in particular that the tour guide (very stoned geezer) said he had wrote there was Three Little Birds.  

Here is a photo of me lying there wearing a Black Crowes T-Shirt who coincidentally enough done a cover version of the song in question. 

Here is the Blues Box version…

There’s Always One..

As I said in the poem Nicko was last man standing at this particular party. Play that man a nineties rave tune and he’s a Happy Bunny.