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I had booked myself into the Edinburgh Festival to perform an hour a day as Nob Stewart even though I had only performed as him maybe 6 times before.
My friend here in Antalya was having a party with an open stage so I thought I better make the use of my one opportunity to get some practice in beforehand. If only the audience could have understood me, I may have went down a bit better.
Still, I brought my beautiful American lady friend Callie and her laughing makes up for stunned silence on the Turkish people’s faces. lol.
Nobs Version of Events
A few weeks ago a’ wiz invited tae a Jam session by some friends ae mine whae are puttin’ a band taegethir. God kens why they wanted me there as a’ only ken aboot four songs and am totally incapable ae dain’ any’hin wi’ Jam except put it on bread and perhaps, if a’ get kinky in ma auld age, Natasha’s Arsehole. A’ certainly cannae join in wi’ real musicians and improvise the shit oot ae random songs.
Hooever, they were quite accomodatin’ and a’ did manage tae play the chords tae ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ by Nirvana fur a guid ten minutes while everyin else done their stuff, so it wiznae tae bad.
A’ wiz informed by the lovely Derya who is yin ae the singers in the band that it would soon be Leyla, the bass players, birthday and that they were goin’ tae host a party wi’ a difference in that they would have an open stage and anyin kin turn up and perform whitever they want and she asked me if a’ would dae su’hin fur the party.
Well, seein’ as hoo a’ pretend a’ am a comedian even though a’ dinnae actually perform anywhere and also seein’ as hoo a’ am goin’ tae try and kid folk on at the festival that a’ belong on a stage, a’ thought it would be a guid idea tae test oot the water and get onstage fur the first time in ower a year tae see whit transpires. It would be motivation tae prepare su’hin if nu’hin else. So a’ agreed.
As the time fur the gig got nearer a’ had tae clarify wi’ Leyla whit the plan wiz. We agreed a’ would dae 15 mins and if it wiz goin’ well a’ would day up tae 30 mins. Cool. A’ still had a week tae prepare and so thought it plenty time.
As time fur the gig got closer and a’ still hadnae rehearsed a’ wiz beginnin tae panic.
Hooever, me bein’ ma usual self left it until 3pm on the day ae the gig afore a’ even thought aboot whit the hell a’ wiz goin’ tae dae that nicht. Poor Natasha as fur the next few hoors a’ wiznae much fun tae be aroond as a’ wiz in panic mode.
Any’hin she tried tae say tae make me calm doon only made me mare agitated and so she learned quickly tae keep her trap shut fur the next four hoors while a’ went ower some ae ma material relentlessly so that a’ didnae make a total balls up ae the gig especially cause there would be a lot ae friends ae mine there.
The only problem wiz maest ae them were Turkish and cannae understand me at the best ae times never mind when a’ am onstage singin’ aboot sexual depravity and such like. Christ ma English friends hae trouble understandin’ me so that wiz an underlying factor playin’ on ma nerves as well.
Noo, it said on the facebook invite that the party started at 8pm and so me bein British took that at face value and thought ‘Ok, a will turn up at 8.30pm and the party will be half full’.
Bollocks. A’ forgot aw aboot Turkish time and so me and Natasha were first yins there by a long shot. A’ wiz pissed aff as a’ cut ma rehearsal time short tae try and make the party on time.
Not tae worry, we ate some crisps and had a chat wi’ Leyla and her boyfriend and a German Lady who wiz there afore uz! Well, she wiz German so you would expect her to be there at 8pm on the dot. Lol.
A’ wiznae drinkin’ afore the gig cause a’ had recently decided tae quit but also because a’ hiv performed drunk in the past and it usually leads tae disastrous consequences which really need tae be avoided at aw costs, especially at a pals birthday party.
Hooever, a’ amnae yin tae try and control anybody and so a’ telt Natasha she kin drink whit she wants but bear in mind ye usually annoy me when ye are drunk and ye will be responsible fur yer actions. ‘But a’ wiz drunk’ is no’ an excuse a’ will tolerate cause nae yin ever listens tae me when a’ try tae use it.
Aftir an hoor or so as the party started fillin up a’ ‘hink she wiz feelin’ a bit nervous as she didnae ken many people there and ye ken hoo a’ drink helps ye tae relax so she said lets gotae the shop fur some beer. Fine. On yoor heed be it sweetheart.
A’ hiv tae say though the venue fur the gig was great. It wiz at the Leylas Boyfriends Brothers hoose. His name is Cenk and a’ hiv met him a few times afore in a local bar called Ruud Bar. He is a musician and so plays in Antalya hotels every nicht and he couldnae come tae the party until aboot 1am. He is the guy wi’ the beard in yin ae the photaes wi’ me and Derya.
His hoose is awesome though. He has a bar area in it as well as beer mats and records on the walls and in his garden he has a lounging area wi’ a big screen projector which pulls doon tae show movies. They had also set up drums and amps fur a band tae plug intae and it wiz really well done.
Leyla’s Party Band
So the band that a’ talked aboot afore were tae perform a short gig afore a’ wiz due onstage while a’ went tae the toilet tae get changed as a’ didnae want tae arrive in ma stage gear. So while a’ wiz in there Natasha filmed a clip ae the band which ye kin see above.
Bear in mind that the drummer Ozlem and Leyla hiv only been playin’ their instruments a few months and it wiz also Deryas first time on a stage ever so cut them some slack. Anyway, they done a guid job and am sure will only get better as time goes on.
Nob Stewart Performance
So a’ had telt the compare aboot 5 times whit ma name wiz and he still fucked it up. A’ heard him say ‘And now we have a stand up……..’ and then a long pause. A’ had tae stick ma head oot the toilet and mouth ‘Nob’ to him.
He introduced me and a’ climbed onboard the comedy saddle yince again.
The gig itsel went aricht a’ suppose. A’ am jist glad a’ had invited ma pal Callie tae the party as she has yin ae the laughs that make people laugh jist cause she’s laughin’ and a’ also kent that she would like some ae ma mare deviant patter.
A’ wiz goin’ tae perform longer but a’ realised that it wiznae really set up tae well fur a comedy gig and hardly anyin could understand me as a’ feared.
Check it oot above and make ae it whit ye will.
Happy Birthday
Aftir a’ finished the band came back on in various guises and played fur aboot an hoor as a’ sat ootside wi’ some expats and shot the shit. Natasha is getting mare and mare drunk but at this point she wiznae annoyin’ me tae much. Each tae their aen and aw that.
Eventually a’ wanted tae mingle and went inside where they were jist aboot tae sing Happy Birthday tae the Birthday Girl. Nicko wiz sat beside me wi’ a Trumpet in his hand lookin’ very nervous. He telt me he hadnae played in years.
A’ wiz wonderin’ if he wiz gonnae attempt a Miles Davis or Louis Armstrong number but instead he opted tae play safe wi’ his rendition ae Happy Birthday which he got through nae tae bad at aw.
Irish Singalong
A’ then done a bit mare mingling and got talkin’ tae the singer fae the clip below. Sorry, a’ am useless at rememberin’ names especially if they are foreign but we were haein’ a very nice conversation aboot hoo she hates money but lives in a wurld wi’ it so has tae make the maest ae it.
A’ began tae explain that money in itsel isnae evil rather it is the INTEREST put on it by the Bankers that causes aw the problems and that is why Abraham Lincon and JFK were assasinated cause they wanted tae introduce interest free money issued directly by the government…. as it fucki’ should be!
Hooever, at this point a very drunk Natasha appeared in front ae me and demanded a cup ae water! A’ felt like tellin’ her tae get it hersel as the water machine wiz jist twa feet awa’ but a’ kept ma cool and acted like a gentleman and got her her water.
Then she basically got ma attention and put hersel in between me and the bird and started complimentin’ me on ma performance that nicht which a’ really wiznae that interested in hearin’ at that point.
We then went ootside tae chat wi’ Serap and Callie fur a bit and the girl came oot and started singing the song below wi’ yer man on guitar, aye, a’ forgot his name and aw. Callie thought it sooned Irish and a’ hae tae agree wi’ her, it does a bit.
She wondered if there wiz a connection between Ireland and Turkey and a’ explained that the Scottish Bagpipes originated in Turkey so there wiz some migration between the two areas in the past and the Irish hae pipes as well.
Aftir this, Natasha could hardly keep her eyes open and begged me tae be taken hame even though a’ wanted tae stay fur at least a couple ae hoors mare but whit kin ye dae?
So, we said oor goodbyes and got on the Moped and went hame where she promptly passed oot on the bed. A’ felt like goin’ back tae the party but decided against it and jist chilled oot fur a while masel.
The next day though a’ telt Natasha a’ wiznae happy wi’ her behaviour and she done her best tae make it up tae me which a’ hiv tae say wiz fairly effective. She has her plus points.
The thing is when there are twa ae ye, if yin ae ye isnae drinkin’ and the other is it is a recipe fur misunderstandins at the very least. She actually realised that nicht that it is better tae stay sober as ye actually enjoy yerself mare.
A’ wiz haein’ a great time no’ drinkin’ and foond masel able tae hold rational conversations instead ae jist bletherin’ pish and bein’ sober didnae stop me fae takin’ photaes wi’ folks wi’ their tongues oot either. Jist cause ye arenae drinkin’ doesnae mean ye hae tae be a borin’ twat. Ye jist need the courage ae yer aen convictions or su’hin like that.
In fact ma expat pals Callie. Serap. Steve and Buket telt me they were chattin’ afore ma gig that they were worried Nob had gotten borin’ since a’ stopped drinkin’ cause a’ wiz wearing smart sensible clothes at the start ae the nicht but aftir the gig they confirmed a’ wiz jist as, if no’ even mare crazy than usual. So there. :-0
Anyway, aw in aw it wiz a guid nicht and here’s hopin’ that Cenk hosts anither party soon that maybe he could even attend fae the start.
Cheers guys….
Nob
