Billys Website

Getting Ready For Battle

// July 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Blog

Things have all gone a bit radio rental
On other words my life is fucking mental
I have split up from my wife
Moved out of my house
Left behind all forms of security
I have two options before me
One takes effort but no great strain
The other is to try to get up
And walk the boards again
An hour a day at the Edinburgh Festival
Is a challenge to seasoned professionals
However I am an amatuer
Without much of a clue
How to make people laugh
With a clever use of a minor facial cue
Oh, and I don’t have a script
That I am in any way happy with
Sure I have some old shit
But I choose not to be
A caricature of myself
I have some material I wrote
About this time last year
When I had two months to prepare
For my Edinburgh Show
When I realised my old material sucked
And I wrote some new stuff out of fear
But I didn’t have the time
To get it down pat
So the old stuff plugged the leaks
For the full three weeks flat
But now I will try to revive that new shit
To see if I can make it funny
Or at least hold the audience’s attention
So at the end I don’t have a cheek
For asking them for a donation of money
‘That is another problem’ he moans
My budget is tighter
Tthan the spaces between
The great pyramid stones
So I have one week
In my new cupboard hotel room
To polish a turd
Into a sparkiling diamond
One that will enthrall and delight
And will set my life straight
Cause if I don’t succeed in this challenge
Then destiny will just have to wait
And I will return to my life of old
With far less money than when I began this road
Wish me luck as I could easy cave in
But my soul is as brave as a hat made from tin
You got to rise to the challenges
That you give yourself
To do otherwise would to be cowardly
Or maybe that would be a sign of mental health
I just refuse to be normal
I can’t be one of the crowd
I can’t go to my grave
Without going there loud
What is the point of being a shy wall flower
When your name could be in chalk
For an hour a day
On a board no-one reads
In a pub too far out of the way
Where you can face up to your demons
And show them what you are made of
And if living persons don’t come
At least you will have an audience
So that is my plan
To take it all the way
Even though I am as prepared for battle
As the Italian Army on a hot summers day

The Bees and The Birds

// July 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // Blog

Hello folks and welcome to my blog section.

So where do I start? 
How to begin?
Shall I show you the real me?
Or shall I drink gin?

Do you think you can handle
The full effect of me?
I am prepared to show you all
Just what I can be

I can be a monster
Just ask my wife
I can be a romantic
I’d even give old people the kiss of life

I sometimes try to be funny
But I’ve got a dry sense of humour
Even Bernard Manning wished
That I got a tumour

I try to contain
My twisted brain
But it always comes out
To prove I’m insane

I’ve upset so many apple carts
They run away when they see me
It’s a pity that to succeed in life
They all show solidarity

For that leaves me hanging
By a very thin thread
And now that I’m blogging
They’ll probably wish I was dead

Cause I have this tendancy
To speak my mind
Please forgive my naivety
I’m just trying to be kind

For this world would be simpler
If we faced up to the truth
That lying to protect fragile egos
Keeps our love bonds aloof

I wish I could write blogs
In the bog standard fashion
But my life is so boring
I would find it hard to show passion

Or maybe that’s just my nature
As a really white scottish man
To cover up my insecurities
With an all over fake tan

So I think that is enough
Of a welcome for you
And if you have read this far, congratulations
You are one of the unchosen few

I hope we can be friends
As we explore my crap
I have so much to offer
My arse is on tap

Feel free to drink
From the well of my words
And if want to know where I get them
Ask the bees and the birds

The Answer

// July 12th, 2010 // No Comments » // Songs

How many dreams must one man have?
Before just one will come true
Yes n’ how many souls will the devil purchase
Before he demands something new
Yes n’ How many lives will man sacrifice
Before he escapes from the zoo
The answer my friends is all up to you
The answer is all up to you

How many battles will humanity win
Before it defeats itself
Yes n’ how many pills does it need to consume
Before it attains mental health
Yes n’ how many throats do we need to cut
Before we can share our wealth
The answer my friends is all up to you
The answer is all up to you

How many hearts will be lonely tonight
Because we don’t know how to disagree
Yes n’ how many songs do we need to sing
Before we can just let it be
Yes n’ how many times can YOU turn you’re head
And pretend that you’re too smart to see
The answer my friends is all up to you
The answer is all up to you

Find My Own Way

// March 25th, 2010 // No Comments » // Poems

Famous people are trying to help me
Become someone who I’m not
Or maybe they see something in myself
That I myself do not

They say I’m really funny
And that I have a gift for the world
To stand up in front of crowds
When all I want to do is curl

How can I make them happy
When the world is so sad
An empty laugh is meaningless
I don’t mean to sound so bad

You create your own reality
Are the buzzwords that you say
Well excuse me Mr Guru
How much do I need to pay?

But the truth is that I’m great
I have something I want to share
It is just I don’t know what it is
Or that anyone will care

Talkish pish comes so easy
But I need to learn to edit
But that would spoil the illusion
And give my brain the credit

These words come from my soul
They are almost heaven sent
They do not come from God
For I know that truth gets bent

I don’t mean to sound pretentious
Thats just how I am perceived
I know you were trying to help me
But who are you to be believed?

I reached out a greedy hand
You came back to me with love
So I am sorry now to throw it back
With a broken promise golden glove

I need to find my own way
To fail on my own two feet
So I going to master the art
Of making people greet

Our Dream

// March 25th, 2010 // No Comments » // Poems

First it will hurt you but don’t take it wrong
You’ve been cheated and lied to for far too long
Look a little deeper for the cause and effect
Our minds are evolving, our dream is not wrecked

Next comes the anger, that wasted emotion
Who do you fight with to solve the solution?
Stop to work out the source of your hate
Our love is expanding, our dream is not late

As shock settles in you may refuse to believe
The old world is gone there is no time to grieve
Who on God’s earth can pick up the pieces?
Our life is inspiring, our dream is not faeces

Love now commands you get up off your knees
Your jailer has gone and he’s left you the keys
Step into the ocean of magnetic soul waves
Our source is divine, our dream still vibrates